If I Were a Rich Man

My husband and I love to fantasize about what we would do if we won millions in the state lottery. This question is a no-brainer for me. I’d pay off my debts and donate a large portion of it to cancer research. But the whimsical side of me would also donate the money to a home for abandoned squirrels … or “Bears, Badgers, and Beavers Without Borders.”

As I contemplated this conundrum over martinis on the front porch with my husband, his tongue loosened up with each sip of gin. He knew EXACTLY what he would do with a few million dollars.

There’s something you should know about the other half of my marriage equation: my husband is a wannabe inventor. Most of his ideas are so far out there that NASA cannot retrieve them. But sometimes I see that flash of brilliance in his eyes and I know he’s onto something unique. Or scary. I’ll let you decide.

Ten Things My Husband Would Do With a Million Dollars:

1. Invent tequila-laced ice packs for hot-flashing menopausal women.
2. Create a testosterone teddy bear. Men would sleep with it and wake up as hairy as the bear. Stay tuned. Next week he’ll be introducing Veronica the Viagra Doll.
3. Invest in latex underwear. It will be leak proof and won’t get holes in it from excessive sharting.
4. Build affordable army tanks for easy travel. You’d never have to worry about speeding tickets, door dings, or expensive tire replacement. It would also come equipped with a toilet and a well-stocked mini bar.
5. Invent an underarm, automatic hair braider for men. It would alleviate the pain of arm pit hair being yanked out by the root from roll-on deodorants.
6. Start a new support group, “Burpers Anonymous,” for chronic burpers. This would be a safe haven for burping freely without judgment. Carbonated beverages and spicy, black bean queso dip would be served at every meeting.
7. Invent donkey fur toilet paper so people could stop making asses out of themselves.
8. Create a robotic beer butler that would carry a mini keg on its back at all times with a tap at your disposal, all day, every day.
9. Start a chain of zip-line courses that stretch across giant shark tanks just to make things more interesting.
10. Open an underwater golf course. Instead of golf clubs, you would use spear guns with balls attached to the ends of them. No need for special golf attire—you’d wear a wet suit and fins. It would become a competitive sport in the Olympics known as “Snorkel Golf.”

I think it’s time to hide the gin and slip my husband some Lunesta. Sweet dreams, dear. I’m taking off with the millions to open a squirrel orphanage in Cancun with a bottle of sunscreen in one hand and a tequila ice pack in the other.