A Message From God: Lines Are Open, Call Now

GODI’m an expired catholic and a little rusty on the praying front. In fact, I think the last time I prayed as a paid-up member of a religion was when I asked Saint Martin to get me on the school soccer team. As far as I know Saint Martin is not the patron saint of soccer, so I’m not sure why I chose to solicit him. The poor guy probably granted some other kid’s prayers and became the go-to saint for making school teams.

Anyway, after decades of virtual radio silence I decided to crank up the old heaven transmitter again. The request I wanted to send is one of the oldest in the book: a prayer for world peace.

It was worth I try, I decided. What with riots in Ferguson, the near destruction of Gaza, beheadings by ISIS, creeping invasion in Ukraine, assorted other conflicts, and ever-present crises such as global warming, where else is there to turn?

I slipped into a church, and was encouraged by the absence of a lightning bolt. The floor remained solid; no sudden fissures and a claw beckoning me to the underworld. After marshaling every last vestige of spiritual energy I gave it a shot.

To my amazement, I got an answer almost immediately. An angelic voice filled my head, and it was shocking. Sure, my outdated prayer transmitter is the spiritual equivalent of a transistor radio, but I had no idea just how much things have changed in the heavenly communications field.

Here’s how the conversation went after sending my heartfelt prayer.

Pause (not sure how long it takes for prayer waves to make it to Heaven and back but there was definitely a short lag).

ANGELIC VOICE: Your prayer is very important to us so please listen carefully to the following options. This prayer may be recorded for quality purposes. Say one if you are praying for peace. Say two if you are praying for personal wealth. Say three if you are praying for harm to come to another mortal. Say four if you are praying for a cure for cancer. Say five if you are praying for a sign from the Almighty. If you are not praying for any of these options say none and describe your prayer in four words or less, like: Kate Perry my girlfriend.

ME. One.

ANGELIC VOICE. Great choice! If you are praying for world peace say one, if you are praying for peace in your country say two, if you are praying for peace of mind say three. If you are not praying for any of these options say none and describe your prayer in four words or less, like: peace from debt collectors.

ME. One.

ANGELIC VOICE. Another great choice! Your prayer has been passed to the Almighty. If you do not hear from us within five working days do not be concerned. We work in mysterious ways. Thank you for praying to us and have a great day!

Now all I have to do is wait for world peace to break out.

Image: Wikimedia


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10 thoughts on “A Message From God: Lines Are Open, Call Now”

  1. Love it. You know, though, heaven could maybe use an efficiency consultant. You should just be able to leave your prayer after the beep, as the response to everything is angels/God working in mysterious ways. Unless there’s a magic prayer that results in immediate relief/response, in which case, do share your experience with this to help a sister out! 🙂

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