If Thank You Letters Told the Truth … | HumorOutcasts

If Thank You Letters Told the Truth …

November 14, 2014

… they might look something like these:

Uh ... No.  Never mind.

Uh … No. Never mind.

Dear Aunt Gertie:

Thank you for the lovely gift. We don’t know what it is, but it gave the whole family a much needed laugh, and it continues to brighten the top shelf of the closet.

It was so nice of you to re-gift this whatchamacallit to us! I’m sure it was a relief to you to get it out of your house. I won’t tell Uncle Fritz that you gave it to us, although he probably wouldn’t mind. He got it two birthdays ago from Cousin Hilda.


Annie, George
And the Kids


There are no words ....

There are no words ….

Dear Team:

Thanks to all of you for your contributions to the success of the MacGyver project and for my recent promotion.

Because of your combined ineptitude and complete lack of anything resembling enthusiasm, I had to do all the work myself. As a result, it was done correctly and on time, which is a first for this department.

The next time you see me, I will be in the big corner office with the picture window, two floors up. Don’t bother to stop in, because I will be pretending that I don’t know any of you.


Soon to be CEO, if this keeps up


This looks more like a Tupperware party than a wedding.

This looks more like a Tupperware party than a wedding.

Dear Ernie and Jane:

Thank you for your thoughtful wedding gift. It was especially nice of you not to include a receipt or, indeed, any indication of where you bought it. It is such a nice gift that five other people gave us exactly the same thing, two of whom also had your sensitivity to the vulgarity of giving us that little slip letting us know how much you spent and where, so that we could exchange the thing for something we can actually use.

Most of our guests consulted the bridal registry that was set up to make shopping easy and avoid duplications. Thank you for choosing, instead, to surprise us.


Marge and Bill

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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2 Responses to If Thank You Letters Told the Truth …

  1. November 15, 2014 at 10:52 am

    I had an aunt who gave me back the exact ornament I had given to her for Christmas the previous year. I was not raised right, and didn’t send a thank you note, but if I read this beforehand, I would have known what to say!

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    November 15, 2014 at 4:48 am

    If Bob put the work in, I think he deserves to soon be the CEO but he needs to be careful about seeing his work colleagues on the way back down!

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