According to Washington insiders, the plan will show the world that the US is really, really serious about climate change. The program comprises three major projects.
Giant cooling fans
To counteract planetary heating caused by the build-up of greenhouse gases, a series of cooling fans the size of aircraft carriers will be built and sent into orbit around the planet. Each unit will have three settings, slow, medium, and fast, controlled from a consul on the President’s desk. Since there is no air in space to actually blow, the fans will be equipped with hangar-sized air tanks. The fans will cost an estimated $ 10 billion each, and a consortium of US defense companies will build them.
Cow flatulence is a major source of greenhouse gases, and a second project will develop and produce millions of tons of bovine Beano, a dietary supplement that reduces the amount of gas in the digestive tract. Adding Beano to the diet of every cow in the US could reduce the volume of bovine farts by as much as 40 percent. A consortium of US pharmaceutical companies will make the supplement.
Personal wind power
The third project will equip every American with a personal wind turbine to reduce the nation’s reliance on fossil fuels. The mini turbine, mounted on top of a multi-colored cap worn by the user, generates electricity even when there is only a breeze. When operated in a modest wind the device will produce enough electricity to power a cell phone and a small set of Christmas tree lights. A consortium of US utilities and apparel companies will make the personal turbines, which are expected to become popular fashion accessories.