It Takes Crystal Balls to Predict 2015

A new name for the GW bridge in 2015?
A new name for the GW bridge in 2015?

It’s time to get the old crystal ball out of the closet to find out what lies in store for us in the New Year. My predictions for 2014 were way off base, mainly because I read the runes after a few drinks before my New Year’s Eve party and ended up gazing into a bowling ball by mistake.

This year I’m making sure that it’s the right orb, and my head is clear. Still, this prediction business is not for the faint-hearted. OK, here goes.

And here comes the first image. This is definitely better than cable.

  • A team of scientists declares that life does indeed exist in the US Congress after they discover a previously unknown fungus living in ceiling cavities. Apparently the toxic atmosphere on Capitol Hill, which is highly acidic and full of hot air, provides ideal conditions for the fungus.
  • President Obama uses his veto pen so much it overheats, setting off the White House fire alarms. The Secret Service assumes the intruder alarm was activated, wrestles the pen to the ground and takes it into custody for questioning. The incident sparks a major investigation into the robustness of Presidential pens.
  • While the President’s veto pen is in jail Republicans grab the opportunity to kill Obamacare. In its place they introduce an American version of a single payer health care system: insurance companies only pay to cover a single illness. In the case of bronze plan, for example, the only condition covered is severe lacerations caused by meteor fragments, provided the meteor hits Earth on a Tuesday between the hours of 3pm and 4pm during a leap year.
  • A project to raise the wreck of the Titanic from the ocean floor succeeds. The marine salvage company that hatched the plan took Dick Cheney in a diving bell to the site of the wreck. When Cheney glared out of the porthole the grand old ship shuddered and floated to the surface under its own steam.
  • Every major airline in the US merges. Shares in the new airline, called USUnitedDeltaSouthwestContinentalAmerican Air, skyrocket as the carrier introduces changes to increase profits. For example, economy class passengers will be required to sit on their luggage and only travel on Wednesdays and Thursdays.
  • Chris Christie intensifies his campaign to run for President by renaming the George Washington Bridge the Koch Causeway. He secures the Republication nomination with a brilliant plan to win the Presidency by closing all roads used by registered democrats during the 2016 election.
  • Whistleblower Edward Snowden finally decides to return to the US, but is prevented from leaving Russia by the impoverished Putin government that wants to sell Snowden’s remaining secrets to pay the Kremlin’s vodka bill.
  • Amazon launches a super-quick premium delivery option that reads a customer’s mind and ships a product before the person has decided to buy it.

That’s it for now. The images are blurring. Time to get a drink and forget about what lies ahead.

Happy New Year.

 

 

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