Local businessman Michael Peters, ever cognizant of good hygiene, spent a solid 5 minutes washing his hands right after lunch on Wednesday.
“My mother instilled a healthy fear of microorganisms in me at an early age. I always wash pretty thoroughly, but today I was taking care of some questionable Tex-Mex from earlier and I just needed to be sure, if you know what I mean. I was in there for quite a while. So in the meantime, I was able to pull my phone out and check on my stock portfolio before eventually setting it on the TP dispenser until I was done.”
Peters then responded to his “Wild Thing” ring tone by gently placing his phone to his face, immediately transferring millions of fecal coliform bacteria to his beard and lips.
He finished by opening the door handle with a paper towel and kicking the door open with his shoe.
“Mom, I’ve done you proud!”