Millions of elves on the shelf were recalled to the North Pole after a blistering report surfaced which uncovered a staggering number of illicit activities performed in a clandestine fashion under cover of night.
According to the report, a significant number of elves have been involved in questionable activities, often illegal, including drug use, gambling, unsanctioned sexual activities, pranks including public defecation, and sabotage. Many complaints were brought by Barbie concerning harassment of a sexual nature, but Ken also reported inappropriate overtures as did My Little Pony. Some elves have even been suspected of assault and three are wanted for questioning in a string of murders, though the U.S. does not maintain an extradition treaty with the North Pole. In the last decade, the presumably helpful elves have gotten rowdier each year, and this year it may have reached the tipping point. One elf per house in a world of over one billion children has proven to be a logistical nightmare. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission released a scathing brief noting that unleashing millions of elves upon the population without proper psychological testing and background checks was shortsighted. Not to mention, there are scores of unsubstantiated reports of marauding elves being gunned down in Texas homes. “Santa is obviously unfamiliar with the castle doctrine.”
Santa was overheard saying, “[Unintelligible] Elves…you had one job. ONE… FUCKING… JOB!”
Unfortunately, due to the improper activities, Naughty and Nice reports will have to be constructed with incomplete or inaccurate information in many cases. It is unclear whether any elves will be assigned to homes next year.