There’s a new phrase I’m hearing a lot lately, bandied about in conversations between seemingly normal people who couldn’t possibly be normal after uttering such a hideous, awful, pompous, annoying bullshit thing you can say to another person when that other person is me. “I don’t watch TV.”
I’m sorry what? Why? What could possibly be the reason not to view the magic that spews out of an electrical pluggy thing that is capable of entertaining you twenty-four seven – three sixty five? Me no get it. Are you mentally ill? I mean, even that’s not an excuse. They make programs for crazy people. Have you not seen Little Women L.A? It’s midgets who only know other midgets. They dance, they date, they dance – did I say they dance? I’m sorry – I meant little people. I know they used to call it the idiot box, but I’m quite certain the idiots are those who are not filled with glee when they stumble upon a Law & Order they haven’t seen before–any Law & Order, but who am I kidding – SVU with Chris Meloni is the best unless you happen upon a Benjamin Bratt one, and then all bets are off and so are my pants ’cause I’m in my underwear on the couch faster than you can say snack time and a marathon.
People who don’t watch television are not only missing out on some of life’s most important and historical moments – i.e. when Ramona threw a glass at what’s her name from that canoe and when Momma Joyce got super ghetto and told Todd his mother’s a prostitute. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you see – this is what’s absent from your life. The other problem is that I make a living supplying things for you to view in that box, and if people stop watching that then I have to stop watching the Saks Fifth Avenue feed on my computer because I won’t be able to buy another pair of shoes again. You not watching TV equals me not shopping and that’s cutting into my closet and I’m not happy about it.
If you don’t think you’re missing something then let me point you in the direction of a very informational commercial I saw last night for Frozen Foods. That’s right – there’s an American Frozen Food Institute out there and they’re worried you’re not eating enough completely tasteless rock hard things that come in a box. First of all I’d like to take a class at the Frozen Food institute because I need to know why my freezer continues to make stalagtites despite my constant defrosting. I’d also like to know why ice cream is easier to scoop the second time you eat it. Who am I kidding – there’s never been a second time of ice cream in my freezer. The commercial from the FFI – was very high end and very convincing. It said that “Freezing is natures pause button.” Hahahahahahahahha. Sorry. Really? What’s it pausing? Its taste life? T
The commercial urged me to take a fresh look at frozen because it’s how delicious stays delicious and while I know that cake is how delicious stays delicious, I did feel for the people trying to get you people to eat completely hideous tasting blocks of icy yuck. So I am joining the Frozen Food people today and urging you to do something to – come back to television. It’s the brains pause button. And if you tune in to the right show – it’s how couches stay delicious.
Don’t forget to buy my book…