The Ten Commandments of OCD

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Oh great. Now it’s cracked. It’s ruined. I can’t use that now…

I’m not a religious person. But I do religiously check the stove to make sure it’s turned off. The door knob has to be wiggled and pulled a few times while my exasperated family sits in the car and waits. Of course I go back and check it again; what, do you think I’m crazy?

This is the Gospel According to OCD, children. A mild case, but enough to drive my family to un-Godlike thoughts when it comes to putting up with me. They abide by an unspoken and thus far undocumented code of conduct. Let’s call it my list of commandments. The people I live with just sort of know that I will die a little inside every time they rumple the rug while they’re wrestling.

It’s not easy. And I didn’t ask for this calling, But the cross I bear is mine, however mild my case may be. The least I can do while I’m not busy washing my hands or straightening the bath towels, is help out a fellow brethren. After all, somebody needs to spread the word and take up the cause so that the afflicted will no longer be faced with the horror of asymmetry.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of repetitiveness, I fear no contamination. Amen. Amen. Amen…Amen. (Even number)

These 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…1, 2, 3, 4, 5…1, 2, 3, 4, 5…6, 7, 8, 9…10 Commandments of OCD have been brought straight to you from Moses, who didn’t even have the good sense to wipe the doo-doo-rotomy off his sandals before he came in the front door.

1. Thou shalt not leave “things” lying about upon surfaces or coats and shoes on the floor. *shudder*

2. Thou shalt not leave tags on bath towels in full view.

3. Honor they tri-folded towel.

4. Keep holy the straightened cupboards and thusly, thy faced labels, lined up symmetrically, especially if left in full view.

5. Thou shalt not have crooked picture frames.

6. Thou shalt have no false starts before me; you shall dutifully go ahead so that I may check the door several times to make sure it’s properly closed, closed, closed and locked, locked, locked on Friday, July 11, in the year of Our Lord 2014. Closed. Locked. Closed. Locked. Closed….Locked…(closed. locked.)

7. Keep checking thy appliances. If ye must go back in the house to check, then so be it.

8. Thou shalt keep things straight. In a line. Perfectly.

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s germs.

10. Thou shalt wash my feet. Then wash them again. Then wash them again.

…Then wash them again.

And please, for the love of God, wear gloves.

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29 thoughts on “The Ten Commandments of OCD”

  1. Linda, this is the best humor post on OCD that I’ve ever read! 🙂 One of my sisters has OCD so I understand. Although I don’t have OCD, I hate it when towel tags are showing too, I’m always fixing that. Congrats on being featured here, you are truly a funny lady!

  2. I am like John…not attached to neatness. However, I have my walls full of pictures and artwork which must be level. I DO spend time looking for patterns around me, especially in numbers or relationships in words (like puns). Life would probably go by too quickly if we all were efficiently using the least effort and thought to accomplish our required tasks!

  3. My apartment sometimes looks like the Titanic after the impact, but I, too, have been known (many, many, many times over many years) to check and re-check to make sure that all appliances are turned off, the gas knobs on the stove are turned off and all cabinet doors are closed before leaving the house.

    1. Oh, and I will NOT have any upside-down cans of anything in my cupboards, and crooked pictures drive me crazy.

  4. Oh my god – it’s me. I’m thinking I need to print and frame this to hang on my wall – but then that will be another thing I have to make sure is straight!

  5. You’d hit it off great with my wife.

    How about a bit of therapy (exposure and response prevention, as they call it): 1. Repeat after me 4, 1-2-3-4, 3-2-1.
    2. Now do something similar (no 5s of course) but you take responsibility for the bad numbers by coming up with them yourself.
    Your welcome!

  6. OMG! I can so relate. When I walk with my friend, there is a post I have to tap twice. And now I’ve made her do it, too. That’s what I call a good friend!

    1. You’re welcome Stacey. I’m here to help. I hope your insurance will cover this. I don’t work cheap, you know. Now go straighten that picture frame now, girl; I’m feeling a tightening in my stomach.

  7. Linda, I swear I think we’re the same person. I also have a mild case of OCD. I cannot sleep until I’ve checked all the doors (even if my husband says he checked them). I tri-fold towels and have a system of folding and “filing” my T-shirts, so I can see what’s what. I cannot write or even think if a picture is crooked, or there’s a piece of lint on the rug that’s bothering me. I like my labels front facing in my cupboard (and grouped by type of food, of course). Where do you live? Because I need to hang out with my best friend (just us or two, four or six other people). Do you even KNOW how crazy it drives me that infertility kept us a family of three???

    1. Oh GIRL! I think you’re right. We must be the same person. I do the same thing with my t-shirts. And I group my clothes according to color. Oh, it’s ALL coming out now… I will never forget the show Oprah did where she put people in messy offices to see if they could work without cleaning up first. Guess which person I would be? I’ve cleaned offices at my jobs before I could get anything done. And yes, it took us 6 years between child #1 and child #2 and the odd number of family members bugged the crap out of me.
      Can’t wait to see you at BlogHer and hug you 5 times.

  8. No#2 and #3 YESSSSS!!! I also cannot walk out the door without checking every appliance, every light. Maybe because you and I worry about our pug babies being left alone? Funny to think that you and I must have been doing these things as we prepared to leave for ERMA!!!

    1. I guarantee we were. And you’re right about the puggies. That’s another thing. I have to go back and make sure the door to the room they’re in is closed and locked to the outside, that their crate is secure, I have to say goodbye a bunch of times. All as the fam sits in the car waiting…waiting… 😉

    1. We need to form a support group. We’ll have to meet the same number of times per month on a day with an even number. Please make sure your name tag is on straight. Thank you. 😉

  9. How I worship thee, Linda! My sister-in-law is OCD and I love her quirks. And my older sister taught me the tri-fold for towels in high school. I can’t do it any other way.

    This is brilliantly funny. However your OCD controls you, it certainly hasn’t hindered your writing prowess. Perhaps it helps it.

    Oh, and everyone in my family knows to notify me when they see 11:11 on the clock. That’s my thing.

    xo xo xo xo xo

    1. Thank you so much John! I’m glad you get it. In a show of solidarity, could you do me a favor and just straighten one picture frame for me? Thanks! 😉

    1. Thank you Theresa! My “number” is 5. So…if you would kindly humor me…Funny. Funny. Funny. Funny. Aaaand…Funny. Ahh. That’s better.

    1. Five is my number too!! I mean…uh…it’s my lucky number. Yeah. Just lucky. It drives my husband nuts too. He messes with me. Goes around the house un-straightening picture frames. lol Thank you Donna! Happy to be here!

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