The Art of Panicking Well

By: jmawork

I have been practicing the art of being cool, calm and collected in life situations.  I am here to say that I suck at it.  I can blame it on being a writer and all the craziness that tends to go with that or I can blame it on my astrological sign that lends itself to wanting everything to work out just right or I can blame it on the fact that no one except me in this freaking world gives a rat’s ass if things are done on time so it’s up to me to get everything done.

Oops, see I slipped again. One would think that meditation twice a day and a daily mug of of wine might have quelled my panic responses but so far, that’s not the case.  So, I have come up with a plan to make my panicky demeanor seem the norm. I know that some of you might not see eye-to-eye with my strategy so I want you to know I understand your feelings perfectly and after considering them carefully, all I can say is tough doo doo.  Get over yourself.  Okay, here is my plan:

Make panic fashionable.  I know this sounds like a crazy idea, but if panic becomes the thing to do, I have gone from the scary woman with the big hair who freaks out my husband and dogs to a bona fide trendsetter.  Yep, I will be one of the cool and “in” people.  Personally, I sort of like that. I never got to be cool.  I got to be responsible, industrious, and reliable –the human version of a pickup truck, but never cool.  This will be a nice switch.

Instill panic in others.  This is tricky and maybe a little underhanded because if you instill panic in others, your panic becomes less noticeable and being less noticeable allows you to reap the rewards of panic. Allow me to illustrate this.

If you spread  panic  for no apparent reason such as mistakenly yelling “fire” or “Pat Robertson is now King” and everyone around you  makes a mad rush for the door or windows or national borders, you not only get some peace and quiet from everyone fleeing in fear but you also get to claim the possessions they leave behind which can include everything from free donuts to vacation homes.

Make Panic the Diet Food of the Stars. Forget Weight Watchers or the stuff you sprinkle on your food to lose weight. Go on late night TV and do an infomercial on “How Panic Can Shed Unwanted Pounds”. If you stick it in between Cindy Crawford’s beautiful skin products and the “Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up” commercials, you have a large audience just waiting to hear about the virtues of panic dieting. As more and more people become adept at panicking, you become a cult leader and assume the role of panic prince or princess which oddly puts you in a position of calm and focused leadership and ultimately makes you the NOT crazy person who has all the answers who can handle all life situations.

And that, my friends, is what we call Irony.

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29 thoughts on “The Art of Panicking Well”

  1. My Grandfather used to hand out pens printed with, “When in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.”
    I hand out pens that say, “Better living through chemistry.”

    I already panic diet. I panic when there’s no food to eat.

    1. (STUPID LAPTOP COMPUTER!!!)

      You might get a stroke, but at least the neighbors won’t complain.

    1. So many people are in this norm Billy. I truly believe that when the Dalai Lama calls for universal 10 minutes of meditation, we should all do it as the calm might alter the Earth even if it doesn’t last, the absence of panic might be a really nice thing.

  2. You mean all I have to do is step on the scale, panic and I’ll shed pounds! Where do I send my testimonial!

  3. I truly live by the “Instill panic in others” ethos. There’s nothing that makes you look more chilled and in control of a situation than a crowd of screaming lunatics that you’ve carefully orchestrated! Ah life is sweet!

  4. Sorry, you can count me out of this bandwagon — I don’t do worry or panic! So, I’ll stick with the EASY button instead of the Panic button.

    Since panic is based on insufficient time, you just need to remember that time is just a concept, it doesn’t actually exist! Maybe Neil Tyson will get to this topic on Cosmos eventually. 🙂

  5. I completely agree with this. No reason any of us who panic should live in shame and be subjected to others’ judgment. Another benefit of instilling panic in others: once you calm down you can provide solutions to others’ panic and problems, and come out the hero. Soooo perfect.

  6. I can do that. I do do that (ha ha – I said do do). If everyone was as panic-stricken as I always am, the world truly would seem normal to me. I’ve never lived in hat kind of world. Sign me up!

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