The Gym Is A Vehicle Of Deception

It’s another big day at the gym. I started today’s session aggressively, punching a gym bag. I had to pound that thing to get it into my locker. The lockers here are tiny.

The highlight of today’s workout came just as I finished doing sit-ups. Do you know that machine with two chest-high bars that you stand between, push yourself off the ground, and then do leg-lefts? Well, that also happens to be where they keep the spray-bottles for the germ freaks. I watched as a guy leaned down to grab the disinfectant and tagged his forehead on a bar. The sound coming off his skull was audible from 20 feet away.

That’s how the universe tells you it’s okay to be around germs.

Today’s break is a bit longer than usual. I’m way off my game because I’m watching a relative’s cat. The little guy is super athletic. Last night at 3am he bounded onto my bed, launched up to the windowsill, and started howling at something outside. I woke up already throwing my pillow. After the cat (a mini-tiger really) fled the room I shut the door. An hour later I was awoken by a vicious scratching on the other side of the door, accompanied by more howling. I’ve been awake ever since.

That’s how someone like me ends up at a gym at 7am.

So I’m way off my game today. Earlier I was jogging on the treadmill next to a woman who was running at a full fledged sprint. Sweat was pouring off her forehead while she exhaled loud and garbled, like something out of a zombie film. I was jogging along at a moderate pace and watching the soccer game on the flatscreen TV. Somehow I drifted to the side. My right foot landed on the edge of the treadmill while my left kept moving. That spun me around and I slammed my back into the armrest. My back buckled and my head bent down. Somehow I stopped my wipeout just before banging into the sweaty zombie on the adjacent machine.

I called it at that point. After showering I weighed myself. My reward for seven workout sessions has been a weight gain of one pound. But I know what’s happening here:

You find yourself with the option of consuming another slice of pie or another beer. You tell yourself “Why not, I’ve been going to the gym.” But the additional calories from the consumed items slightly exceed the calories burned by your (half-assed) workouts. Do this each day for a week and you end up gaining a pound.

The gym is a vehicle of deception.