The imitators are keeping their plans under wraps, but we have obtained exclusive details from an industry mole that was apparently approached to consume a news anchor on live TV.
History Channel. This channel is recreating the Biblical story of Jonah. A film crew will swim into the gullet of a sperm whale and live in the creature’s stomach for three days and nights. Crew members will wear special squid suits – the sperm whale’s favorite food – and live off canned tuna. They’ll take a flat screen TV modified to receive cable programming through two feet of blubber. Advertisers are being offered the opportunity to display acid-resistant decals on the creature’s vital organs.
Animal Planet. The network is searching for a dolphin big enough to inhale a reporter. Rumor has it that the CIA has bred oversize dolphins and trained the animals to swallow suspected terrorists and bring them back to the US for questioning.
Fox News. The news channel is planning to eat its own words on live TV. Doctors have warned that there could be fatalities due to acute food poisoning.
ESPN. The sports channel will sponsor the next Super Bowl half time show to be broadcast from the belly of a blue whale, the largest animal on Earth. Apparently the Rolling Stones will be paid a record fee to be lowered into the leviathan’s stomach while playing their hit song Beast of Burden.
The Shopping Network. A shopper will be filmed disappearing into the world’s largest mall equipped only with a $2 coupon for three-year-old baking soda on sale at the Dollar Store.
C-Span. The network has shelved plans to feed members of the US Congress into the maw of a giant clam, because they fear a backlash from voters if they bring the politicians back.
The Food Network. Probably the most daring stunt of all will be screened by the Food Network in the New Year. A presenter will eat herself after being coated with puff pastry. Registered viewers will be able to download a recipe for the puff pastry after the show.