If a female tennis star grunts, it’s OK, but if I do it, I’m “causing a scene at the air hockey table.” Now I’m banned from Chuck E. Cheese.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, 2014
3-year-old: *leans in to kiss my cheek* *coughs* Me: Cover your mouth when you cough. 3: I did. I covered it with your face.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, 2014
What parents should teach their kids: 1) Look both ways before crossing the road 2) Never talk to strangers 3) Shoot zombies in the head
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, 2014
Due to steroids, women assume a guy with huge muscles has shriveled testicles. That’s why I stay out of shape. The ladies know I’m packing.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, 2014
Wife: Why are you up? Me: What if ventriloquist dummies are demons who control their human masters with telepathy? Now we both can’t sleep
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2014