Me: I’m here to trade in my car. Salesman: M: S: M: S: You have to take your kids out of it first. Fuck. I hoped he’d take them, too.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2014
3-year-old: What are shrimp made from? Me: Shrimp. 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: I’ll ask Mommy.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2014
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal? Me: Uranium is OK I guess. C: M: C: M: C: I like Metallica. That’s not even on the periodic table
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2014
You should panic when you hear: 1) a fire alarm 2) a tornado siren 3) a woman say, “I’ve been thinking.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2014
Me: This is our new car. Don’t get it dirty like our last one 3-year-old:*touches car* *car floor instantly covered in 6 inches of debris*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2014