Congrats on your boob job. Before you were unhappy and insecure. Now you’re unhappy and insecure with bigger boobs.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2014
How to succeed at life: 1) Ask yourself, “What would Justin Bieber do?” 2) Do the exact opposite.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2014
Me: Do you want to wear your red coat or your blue one? 3-year-old: Both I let her because now she can’t move her arms to get into things.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2014
I don’t need a drink in my hand to be happy. I’m also happy if the drink is on a table as long as it’s still within arm’s reach.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2014
I’m glad my wife doesn’t say anything when I finish prematurely, but I could do without the sarcastic clapping.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2014
Can I just be there when your three-year-old turns 13? PLLLLEEEASE??