I don’t know why everyone complains about fake people. My imaginary friends have never asked me to give them money or help them move.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2014
3-year-old daughter: Can I give you a mermaid hug? Me: OK 3: *spits water in my face* Note to self: never approach a kid who has a cup.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2014
Reasons school used to close: 1) 8 ft. of snow Reasons school closes today: 1) any snow 2) cold 3) fog 4) bad hair day 5) hangnails
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2014
Nice try, life’s warning signs. This mistake is happening, whether you like it or not.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2014
Wife: Did you get the bassinet? Me: I thought you said “bayonet” W: Why would a baby need that? I guess we had very different childhoods.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 1, 2014
