My 1-year-old learned to say “help” and now she screams it at the store so people think I’m kidnapping her. Well played, kid. Well played.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 10, 2014
Nothing says, “I failed as a parent 8 to 16 hours ago,” like finding a Lego in my 1-year-old’s poopy diaper.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 10, 2014
I was always good at hide and seek because it combined my two favorite things: staying still in one place and avoiding people.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 10, 2014
Men prefer grilling over any other cooking method because it only has two steps: 1) Toss shit on a fire. 2) Eat it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 10, 2014
A tornado recently sucked up a fire to form a firenado & now I have to update the top way I don’t want to die. *crosses off “panda attack”*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 10, 2014
