2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt. Me: Don’t lick the dog. 2: He licked me first.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 17, 2014
Me: *reads classic children’s book “Are You My Mother”* 4-year-old: Is there one called “Are You My Father?” Me: It’s called “Maury.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 17, 2014
Jesus: Today I’ll teach you a parabola. Peter: Don’t you mean a “parable?” Jesus: *kicks him out of calculus class*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 17, 2014
Me: I’ll always love you no matter what. 2-year-old: *sneezes Cheerios all over my face* Never mind.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 17, 2014
Any dad who steps on his son’s Legos has it easy. I have daughters. Try stepping on a pair of Barbie high heels.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 4/24/14: pic.twitter.com/V6KA7UpBDF
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) October 11, 2014