[in church] 4-year-old: *makes lightsaber noises* Wife: Stop. Me: I’ll handle this. *takes kid to the cry room* *has a lightsaber duel*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2014
Me: I’m 29. Do you know what comes after that? 4-year-old: You die.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2014
I taught my 4-year-old how to microwave pizza rolls. Now she knows everything I learned in college.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2014
Wife: You’ll be so proud of me. I saved $9 at Costco. Me: How much did you spend? Wife: $600.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2014
Interviewer: What’s your biggest flaw? Me: I work too hard. Interviewer: Me: What’s your policy on naps?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrZqw5 5/30/14: pic.twitter.com/5vA7l7O0ED
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) November 16, 2014