My 2-year-old ran full-speed into a closed door, so, yes, I’m sure she’s mine.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2014
Me: *sits up in bed* What if Smokey Bear is the one who’s been setting all those fires?! Wife: Me: Wife: Call the President. Now.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2014
4-year-old: I want macaroni! Me: This is macaroni. I just stretched the noodles and made the cheese red. 4: Me: Eat your damn spaghetti.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2014
4: Why can I see farther when I’m on a hill? Me: It’s a higher vantage point. 4: I think my eyes turn into binoculars.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2014
Wife: This is a brand new tablecloth! How did it get cut! Me: I have no idea. *hides katana and sliced watermelon*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2014