Unicorn Bites #557
Relationship status: I sent my wife a Facebook invite to a party in my pants. She chose “will not attend.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2014 Me: I meant to do that. Wife: You […]
Tag: two year old
Unicorn Bites #555
Me: Time to get out of bed. 4-year-old: Why? At the end of the day, I’ll just get back in it. Me: 4: Me: *goes back to bed* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites #528
Me: I could survive alone in the woods. Wife: You left a picnic early because you forgot your ChapStick. I’m not an animal. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2014 4-year-old: Does this movie have […]
Unicorn Bites #527
2-year-old:*wakes me up* What’s that sound? Me: What sound? 2: A taco Me: 2 Me:*grabs baseball bat* There’s a fucking taco in my house — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2014 [at church] 4-year-old: This […]
Unicorn Bites #516
4-year-old: Grown-ups can do what they want Me: Yup 4: Why don’t you eat pizza for every meal? Me: 4: Me:*takes a hard look at my life* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014 4-year-old: […]
Unicorn Bites #514
How to grow a ghost chili: 1) Grow a regular chili. 2) Murder it. This is why people unfollow me. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 29, 2014 My mom: Your brother got another promotion. Me: […]
Unicorn Bites 9/18/14
I don’t need some metrosexual fashion magazine to tell me how to dress. I’m a real man. My wife dresses me. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 18, 2014 Telemarketer: Am I speaking to the man […]
Unicorn Bites 9/13/14
4-year-old: These taste funny. Me: They’re not candy. They’re decorative soaps. 4: Me: STOP EATING THEM. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2014 Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle 4-year-old: Give me […]
Unicorn Bites 9/1/14
A bikini model whose job is to be 99% naked had nude pics leaked? Whatever. I didn’t know for sure she had nipples, but I kind of assumed. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 1, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 8/27/14
My 2-year-old ran full-speed into a closed door, so, yes, I’m sure she’s mine. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 27, 2014 Me: *sits up in bed* What if Smokey Bear is the one who’s been […]