2-year-old:*wakes me up* What’s that sound? Me: What sound? 2: A taco Me: 2 Me:*grabs baseball bat* There’s a fucking taco in my house
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2014
[at church] 4-year-old: This isn’t our normal pew. Me: I know. 4: We should go home. God won’t find us here.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2014
2-year-old: *holds up Ken doll* Daddy, this is you! Me: Aw, that’s sweet. 2: *stomps on it*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2014
My wife leaves the house every Sunday so I can watch football. She doesn’t know my team played Thursday. Time for a 3-hour nap.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2014
4-year-old: Want to hear how loud I can yell? Me: No. The baby is asleep. 4: Me: 4: Want to hear how quiet I can yell?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/19/14: pic.twitter.com/QnGTK3AlOh
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) September 4, 2014
you’ve outdone yourself on this one.