We Need To Talk About Kelvin

My writing occasionally turns me into a social outcast, lost in a purgatory entirely of my own making. I’m fine with that because the topic is usually very important (like Hostess discontinuing the Ding Dong). So I’m heading down the rabbit-hole once again, because today’s topic is Global Warming.

We don’t need to talk about the massive denial that’s stopping us from doing anything. You’ve seen the stories – a town-obliterating tornado picks up a trailer in Oklahoma, drops it in North Carolina, and a cable news host is then quoted saying “Yeah, but they’ve always had big storms around there.”

No, we need to talk about solutions. And I’ve got one.

Apart from money, what’s the main motivating factor in human behavior? Correct, body-image problems. We all want to look desirable. So we spend billions on nose jobs and facelifts. We squander trillions on diets that accomplish nothing. We buy “supplements” that the FDA recalls after a string of heart-attacks and we endure the grunters in our expensive, results-free gyms. And that’s just the men.

Yes, we’re already deeply worried about our appearance. So, if we can tie climate change to making us look even worse, the transition to clean energy will happen overnight. We’re already struggling enough as it is — we don’t need additional bullshit like floodwaters ruining our skin.

Our campaign will need some highly arresting visuals. Here’s three to start:

PollutionMask

coalpile

But we’ll need to remain positive. We need something that shows a healthy planet makes us look desirable and attractive. Dare I say we need the planet to make us look sexy?

I think we could get the good folks at Nordstrom Rack to sell this t-shirt:

blacktshirt

Okay, people, we’ve got our solution. Let’s get moving.

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