Who The Hell Is Watching Me? | HumorOutcasts

Who The Hell Is Watching Me?

August 28, 2014

SatanI am convinced there is a higher force watching over us, but not the kindly, altruistic, divine type you’re thinking of.  No, this one is much more sinister and devious and, well, greedy.  It’s the Financial Devil.

This Satan of Simoleons knows exactly what is going on in my house and life, as though he was a senior analyst with the NSA; the Lucifer of Loot knows precisely when something fortuitous has happened, and then rains economic obstacles down in my path, very deliberately and with great malice.

Take for instance this summer.  Our household went through an extended period of cash flow vacation (as in there was no flow) which, on one hand, is great for hanging out with the family, cooking casseroles at home and enjoying quality time watching our teenagers leave the house constantly to go do anything else, anywhere else, with anyone else.

handfulofmoneyBut as far as paying debts, saving up towards the oldest kid’s college, and actually going anywhere, well the income vacation is not the most productive and the pictures kind of suck.

So when a bunch of work appeared on the horizon, and it looked like the ship listing hard to port would right itself, the air conditioner mysteriously started spewing water all over the place, both toilets developed chronic clogs that resisted all attempts at plungification, and that yellow warning light came on in whatever car we were driving.

I’d swear I could hear sinister laughing, with lots of reverb, coming from my drains.

The AC didn’t morph into a sprinkler when I was reheating leftovers for the umpteenth time.  The first college bill didn’t come when I was fixing all the wonky doors around the house just to justify my existence.  The warning lights didn’t come on when I was finding fun free projects like scanning all our old “analog” photos.

All that happened on the very day that I booked a bunch of work.  It’s certainly intervention, but not of the Divine type.

devilwithmoneyWhich means the Mephistopheles of Moola knew exactly what was happening.

His Evil Plan ensured that the entire next month and a half of working will go straight to the air conditioning guy, the mechanic, and the plumber who, by the way, knows way too much about each one of us.

This is the Serpent of Scratch at work.

It has gotten to the point around here where my wife and I take turns reminding each other that if, for some reason, there is a little bit of money in the checking account – it’s not really there, because something is about to happen.

So you, you Serpent of Sheckels, who is hell-bent on keeping me down:  I’m onto you.  I know what you are doing.  I am going to find your counterpart – the one who will let the money flow freely, the yin to your yang, the Bernie Sanders to your Mitch McConell, the Paul Allen to your Donald Trump, and we will let the forces of good and evil duke it out.

Because if good can prevail, and I can stop you from hurling flaming financial boulders at me from behind your fortress of malevolence, I can spread good fortune throughout the region.

I have long said that if our politicians are interested in true economic recovery, they will give people like me lots of money, because I will distribute it through more trade groups and businesses faster than lobbyist cash flowing to a U.S. Senator.Hell

But if evil prevails, I will live in constant fear of someone handing me a hundred bucks out of the blue.  Because I know that within 30 seconds I would get a phone call from a kid saying, “Hey Dad, have I ever told you how great you are?  Sooooo, you know the side view mirror the neighbor’s car used to have . . . ?

Cue evil laugh.

Forrest Brakeman

Forrest is a former stand-up comedian, half of the ancient comedy team of Proops & Brakeman. After training with the Groundlings, he founded the improv comedy group Los Angeles Theatresports where he performed and served as Co-Artistic Director. Forrest has performed at The Comedy Store and The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, The Punch Line and Cobb's Pub in San Francisco, and has appeared on The Tonight Show and The Sunday Comics. His essays have been published in the Los Angeles Times, Huffington Post, Scary Mommy/The Mid, Boomer Cafe, the Los Angeles Daily News, NPR's "This I Believe," and the Chicago Cubs Yearbook (you heard me).

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14 Responses to Who The Hell Is Watching Me?

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    August 31, 2014 at 6:09 am

    The reverb really adds to the sinister laughing, doesn’t it?

    • August 31, 2014 at 12:09 pm

      That’s how you know it’s sinister, and not just weird. TV taught me that.

  2. August 29, 2014 at 11:29 pm

    Yes, either 1) there are solar flares this week targeting personal money reserves, or 2) I also have a devil laughing at me, or 3) God is an Illinois politician. We also lost our A/C this week, and the estimates kept going up as the sweat pooled more and more around me. Funny how that correlates. And then a fun trip for expensive car repairs that left me acting nearly as frustrated as Michael Douglas in Falling Down. The same day I thought I was also going to get a speeding ticket from a police officer on a motorcycle, but I’m guessing he was just gesturing a game of charades instead, as he never pulled me over, just made all sorts of arm movements and looked angry. Whew.

    I agree, there is something supernatural about all this. When it rains, why DOES it pour??

    • August 30, 2014 at 3:32 pm

      Because the Diablo of Dinero delights in diabolically destroying our day. And he’s a dick.

      I’m going to look into the whole solar flare theory. But I’m baffled by the cop.

  3. August 29, 2014 at 10:18 am

    Great post. I live in terror of coming into some money and encountering the Accountant of Angst

  4. August 28, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    After Beezelbub of Bucks bankrupted me two years ago, he left for greener pastures –> you!

    • August 28, 2014 at 7:36 pm

      Another gift that keeps on giving.

  5. Kathy Minicozzi
    August 28, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    From one fellow sufferer to another — you can never find a good exorcist when you need one!

    • August 28, 2014 at 7:35 pm

      Boy, ain’t that the truth. Good seems to be powerless. My bank account just keeps spinning round and round and spewing out noxious red ink.

  6. August 28, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    You’re onto something and I share your pain, I sure do. I think its time to skip repairing the toilet and “go back to the land.” But your idea makes total sense!

    • August 28, 2014 at 4:15 pm

      I’ve threatened the “go back to the land” path, but my household of women quickly made it clear that if the plumbing wasn’t fixed, the only one going back to the land would be me. They scare me.

  7. August 28, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    I think the politicians should take you up on your offer and by the way, I think the lucifer of loot has visited me too! Great post!

    • August 28, 2014 at 3:40 pm

      When will they listen? When? WHEN I tell ‘ya!

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