Anyway, last week her middle school sent home a notice informing me that Tuesday would be what’s known as a, “Teacher Work Day.” The kids have the day off. When I saw the letters TWD on her class calendar I thought it stood for The Walking Dead – same thing if you ask me. Teachers need this time to prepare class work, restructure work assignments, grade homework, drink, etc. Their much-needed-day-off gives parents and grandparents the opportunity to reconnect with their children or as the kids say, “Eww, we get to hang out with old people, ALL DAY!” Or in my case it’s a day of being dragged through the local malls and shopping centers (with her) looking at designer labels and price tags to find the perfect pair of fashion sunglasses, graphic tees, and ripped jeans. I never understood why kids want a $65 pair of jeans that are mostly thin material with a few strands of cloth holding them together, but I digress.
To make a long and laborious story short, I was extremely exhausted from this grueling venture and decided to go to bed early. I don’t remember falling asleep, but I do remember that my dreams were compellingly bizarre. I dreamt of a world with no labels. Where people could do whatever they wanted without reading the warnings or instructions. The deeper I slept the more I realized this was the future of the human race. Who needed law enforcement, lengthy trials, lawyers, doctors, etc? Just rip off labels and let nature weed out the idiots . . . genius!
I saw people drinking lighter fluid cocktails, pouring shampoo on their heads and waiting for it to foam by itself, testing the chain saw blade with their hands, drying their pets in microwaves, putting unopened bags of frozen French fries into a deep fryer – the list goes on.
I remember watching these heinous activities wanting to warn them. However, I couldn’t help but to stand back and watch. What a glorious experience to watch adults laboriously trying to open a can of corn with their teeth. I also remember sitting with children; thousands of children to be exact.
“Fear not youngsters and take heed to what happens to those who won’t read labels. Reading is fundamental so read, read and read as much as you can or you’ll end up like these idiots!” I preached.
The children nodded then disappeared into a safe fluffy cloud of protection from marauding idiots smoking cigarettes by the fuel pumps as they filled their over-heated idling vehicles.
With their impending doom mounting I couldn’t take it any longer . . . I had to warn them! I started walking over, pointing at the one remaining warning label when the entire fuel station exploded. Idiots went flying everywhere! None were injured because it was just a dream. They dusted themselves off and started licking the hot anti-freeze off their remaining fingers.
My body started to shake. I thought, OH NO another explosion! It was my husband kicking me with his foot saying that I was laughing in my sleep and to cut it out! I smiled and went back to sleep.
The next morning I told him of my dream of a world without labels. He agreed. My granddaughter agreed, however, inserted this addendum, “As long as they don’t get rid of the, Buy-One-Get-One-Free label!.”