By Roz Warren and Janet Golden
Same sex marriage is finally the law in this country! And that includes, of course, Sesame Street. Which means? Bert and Ernie can finally tie the knot! As a celebrity couple they’ll have a pre-nup, of course, a copy of which was leaked to us by a Muppet whose identity we’ve promised not to reveal, in return for a batch of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
The details? Should the couple ever split up:
Ernie will stay in the marital domicile on Sesame Street. Bert gets the condo on Avenue Q.
Bert gets the Streisand albums. The Scissors Sisters Cds go to Ernie.
The parties will share joint custody of the rubber ducky.
Bert gets to keep the diamond-encrusted unibrow waxing kit given to him by Ernie as an engagement gift.
All vertically striped shirts acquired during the course of the marriage go to Bert. All horizontally striped shirts go to Ernie.
Bert promises not to mention Ernie’s illegitimate child Elmo during interviews on “The View.“ Ernie will not interfere should Bert desire to join the cast of “The Real Househusbands of Sesame Street.”
Custody of the letters A, Q, H and W go to Bert. Custody of the numbers 2, 3, 7 and 9 go to Ernie.
Ernie will refrain from mentioning Bert’s ongoing therapy to treat his obsession with the letter W.
Song royalties, as well as the extensive collection of Muppet Porn, will be divided equally. (Except for “Fifty Shades of Felt,” which goes to Ernie’s mom.)
Sales of Muppet sex tapes to tabloids are strictly forbidden.
The parties will attend Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Fourth of July Barbecue on alternate years.
Both parties promise to treat each other with courtesy and respect, and, despite any relationship troubles they may have experienced there, to continue to tell others how to get to Sesame Street.