British Sperm Bank: Wanker Shortage


Did you catch that, fertile Brits? Your national sperm bank is bitchin’ ‘bout you not contributing. The Guardian was told the sperm bank in Birmingham is woefully short on deposits. So much so, chief executive of the sperm bank, Laura Witjens, is planning a recruitment drive. Whoa, let’s back up a second. The CEO, Ms. Laura Witjens, is nearly at her wits end ‘bout ya blokes not wanking it.

I’m betting you are wanking it… but just keepin’ to yourselves… you bloody selfish bastards.

'This is my five-gallon pin.'

Ms. Witjens, whenever she gets her wits together, has gone so far to suggest an advertising campaign using a cartoon superhero. That’s where they caught our attention. We might be able to help you lazy, selfish keeping-it-in-your-pants procreation dodgers. No one likes a sperm hoarder. We might be able to come up with an appropriate cartoon.

Here’s the alternative. Listen closely, you tightly-zipped up Brits. The sperm shortage is so great, baby-less families are going off to the states to grab them some Yankee sperm. Do you get the irony, Englanders? By not doing your own yanking you’re getting the Yankee. Instead of sperm from Birmingham, England you’re importing sperm from Birmingham, Alabama. I’m sorry, but that kiddo will prefer NASCAR over Formula One.

The nine guys who have contributed are getting £35 per session. You would think $ 54 American would be enough to get a few British lads off their duff and into the deposit closet. The deposit closet? Sorry, but I’m not sure what they call it in London or Birmingham – The chicken choking kitchen? The Whack Shack? The Pocket Pool Room? All we know are that the only guys who have dropped their seed in the Birmingham Bank have been Cecil and Vernon and Alastair and Alfred and Nigel and Nigel and Nigel and Nigel and Nigel.


So here’s a cartoon super hero idea for Wankerman. Not to borrow too much from a certain character who grew up in Smallville but we have an introduction:

“Look… up by the Pub
Wearing a glove…
Faster than a speeding bullet (we kept that one)
Able to leave large deposits
Without looking down…
It’s Wankerman!!”

Screw “Rocketman”, we’ll steal that song, too, if we need too. Sir Elton won’t mind, I’m sure. We’re charged with making more British babies, here. You can Jolly O thank us later.

He can leave the sperm…
When no one else cannnnn.”

Then, with the cute cartoon, showing a superhero with all his teeth – I know, but it’s a cartoon – and a big “W” on his jumpsuit and an enormous boner – I know, not very British, but it’s a cartoon. I’m wondering how much they’ll pay us.

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2 thoughts on “British Sperm Bank: Wanker Shortage”

  1. I think Wolverine, as a super hero, would be counter productive, especially when the blades might accidentally spring out during a process where you’re using your hands.

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