How NOT to Attract a Man (10 Easy Suggestions) | HumorOutcasts

How NOT to Attract a Man (10 Easy Suggestions)

July 10, 2015

Job Interview or Meeting With BossMany books and articles have been written about how to attract a man. I was thinking about this, and it occurred to me that the market has been glutted with how-to advice when it comes to women trying to get a guy’s attention. What we really need is a primer on how NOT to attract a man.

This little guide will be an invaluable aid to women who: (1) are determined to keep their honor intact; or (2) are doing research to see just how much a man will take from an attractive looking woman before he runs screaming from the room.

Let’s say, hypothetically, that you are a woman and you have a first date with some guy. If you really want to test his tolerance, here are some suggestions.

1. Speak with a loud, high-pitched, really annoying voice. This will be like running your fingernails on a blackboard. He won’t be able to hear anything you say, no matter how intelligent it is, because he will be stunned by the attack on his eardrums. You can complete the effect by developing a giggle that will stab every nerve cell in his body.

2. As an alternative, you can use your normal speaking voice, but make sure that everything you say is stupid. Contrary to popular belief, most men don’t like to hang around with brainless women, unless they are desperate to get lucky.

3. Buy yourself some really great, expensive perfume, but spritz it all over yourself and rub it in. If you are financially challenged, use cheap perfume. I recommend one of those inexpensive knockoff copies. In fact, the cheap stuff will work even better than the expensive stuff. Your date will sneeze all through dinner.

4. If you are plump, wear a little black dress that hugs every bulge. If you have a spectacular figure, wear a dress that hangs like a tent.

5. Tell your date about your childhood in the cult that practiced human sacrifice.

6. While you’re at it, tell him that mental illness runs in your family and give vivid descriptions of some of your whacked-out psycho relatives. As an added touch, you can pretend to be getting instructions from a ceiling beam or a picture on the wall.

7. Pounce on him, make lascivious motions, tell him you are a hungry nymphomaniac who has erotic dreams about him and that you just KNOW he is the one man who can satisfy you, even with his tiny penis. In other words, overwhelm him, then tell everyone within earshot that he is not well endowed. Even if it isn’t true, everyone will think it is, and he won’t be able to dispute it without getting himself arrested.

8. Tell him you will have to leave early because you have a meeting with your parole officer. If he wants to know why you were in jail, give him a mysterious smile and refuse to answer.

9. Tell him that you are just about to finish all the antibiotics prescribed for your STD, and that you are sure you are no longer contagious.

10. Tell him you have an obsessively jealous ex-husband who has just been released from prison, where he was serving a sentence for attempting to murder one of your boyfriends with fireplace poker.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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9 Responses to How NOT to Attract a Man (10 Easy Suggestions)

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    July 13, 2015 at 2:32 pm

    Right so, I have a thought. I reckon the best way to not attract somebody is to be single and if you tip that cow on its back, the best way to attract someone, is to be in a relationship. Kathy, you deserve a medal. There’s few people on this planet who can make me have a thought. And now I need sleep for I have exerted myself for this day but hopefully I shall return with a further thought, later in the year.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 13, 2015 at 9:59 pm

      I look forward to your further thought, and I apologize for making you exert yourself to the point of exhaustion. 😉

  2. July 11, 2015 at 12:01 am

    Eat lots and lots of garlic.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 11, 2015 at 3:44 pm

      Yeah, that’ll do it, too. 😉

  3. July 10, 2015 at 10:24 pm

    If you are pre-menopausal tell him about monthly issues; post menopause bring up hot flashes and all those other symptoms. That will kill him for women forever.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 10, 2015 at 11:52 pm

      Oh yes! I forgot about that one!


  4. July 10, 2015 at 9:45 pm

    11. Tell him you hate baseball.

    Oh wait, no don’t do that. I married that one.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 10, 2015 at 11:54 pm

      Forrest, you deserve a pat on the back, indeed. (How can anyone hate baseball?) 😉

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