HOUSTON, TEXAS – Inspiring local teen Frank Protsman won the Southeast Texas Regional Science Fair with an innovative clock which can actually be powered by potatoes. Amazingly, Protsman inserted electrodes into common produce and apparently through some kind of higher math was able to successfully power a digital clock. Endless applications for this technology certainly await, and Protsman envisions that this may be the key to the end of fossil fuel use in America. Protsman did not give an explanation as to how he dreamed up this innovative process, but there was no doubt much out-of-the-box thinking and many sleepless nights involved.
The winning project did not go without being noticed by some of the more scientifically minded leaders of Texas. U.S. Representative Louie Gohmert, long respected for his scientific proficiency, said, “This puts Texas at the forefront of scientific…things…and might finally shut those climate change hippies down once and for all. After all these years of whining, I bet they’re feeling pretty dumb right about now. I wonder if this will work with asparagus as well?”
Former Texas Governor Rick Perry also made a point to congratulate the winner. “No longer will Texas play 47th fiddle to other states when it comes to science education and doing science-type stuff. Education expenditures, textbook content, and test scores aren’t everything, you know.”
Even Fox News talk show host Bill O’Reilly added, “Finally, I think America is starting to turn the tide in STEM education. This amazing project proves just that. It has astounded some of the best minds in the state. You stick the probes in, the numbers light up. You can’t explain that! You don’t see China coming up with stuff like this…”
Questions about the “Made In Taiwan” sticker found under the project were dismissed as an obvious attempt to smear the good work of a proud Texan.