Jesus Does Stand-Up | HumorOutcasts

Jesus Does Stand-Up

December 14, 2015


The Apostles all kept telling him he needed to lighten up, he was running off potential converts with the heavy sermonizing, so he decided to try stand-up.

Once the crowd was sitting around the top of the hill, he started riffing on the Bible, said he was writing a book but confessed he had a ghost writer, then hit ’em with the puncha HOLY Ghost writer and the little drummer boy gave him a Ba-Dum-Bump! Said he was working on a sequel to the OLD testament but needed help coming up with a title, he was open to suggestions.

Then he segued to a set on sin, called original sin an oxymoron, kept punctuating his patter with a high falsetto impression in an Egyptian accent, saying, The DEV-il made me do it!

Then he got more personal, poked fun at his situation, said he didn’t get no respect, said, I’m the Son of God and they’ve got me making coffee tables, said his mother couldn’t even describe his father to him, a one-night stand, dark, and she never really saw Him, she mainly remembered talking to His wing-man. He paused two beats, then repeated, His WING-man.

Said he had an invisible father and to make matters worse He was tri-polar, said he was healthier than his father, half-man, half-God, so he was only bi-polar, another rimshot on the drum, and the crowd was really tickled by now, said he never closed doors because he really WAS born in a barn, said he was surrounded by asses when he was bornand there were a few farm animals, too, he said. The crowd was on the ropes.

What was the deal with the magi? he said. Who gives myrrh as a baby gift? Or frankincense? I mean how wise could they be? How’d they even GET a reputation for being wise? It probably didn’t hurt that they wereKINGS!

People were almost rolling down the hill now they were laughing so hard, some rocking forward, some slapping their legs, some with tears and blowing their noses.

He let ’em laugh till they were all laughed out, then said, But seriously, folkslove one another.

My time’s up, he said. Thanks for listening. Thanks for laughing. You’ve been a great crowd. And he asked them to watch for his book and then he said, I’m Jesus Christ. Tell your friends. I’ll be here all week.

Bill Spencer

Bill Spencer's humor writing has been published by Funny Times, Narrative magazine, Reader's Digest, The Sun, The Inconsequential, Clever magazine, Defenestration, The Short Humour Site, Hobo Pancakes, and Nuthouse. He has also published scholarly articles on the novels of Cormac McCarthy and is co-author of an unproduced screenplay, "Angel Pays a Visit." He lives in a cabin in the mountains of North Carolina with his wife, artist-poet Carolyn Elkins.

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12 Responses to Jesus Does Stand-Up

  1. December 15, 2015 at 7:37 pm

    You know I love a funny Jesus story–this WAS inspired! Loved it! Of course Jesus would do stand-up–God invented humor after all–and He gave you a lion’s share. 🙂 keep ’em coming!

    • Bill Spencer
      December 16, 2015 at 3:12 pm

      Thank you for reading and commenting, Amy, and I hope you know that I very much admire YOUR stories about Jesus, walking around in the modern world—wearing a ball cap and shopping for Tevas.

  2. Deb Martin-Webster
    December 15, 2015 at 3:20 pm

    I’m laughing my head off Bill!! All he’s missing is his tip jar!! Great post!

    • Bill Spencer
      December 15, 2015 at 3:38 pm

      Blessings upon you, Deb!

  3. Bill Y Ledden
    December 15, 2015 at 2:32 pm

    I’m going to try the Y hand at stand up someday soon but where do I get a percussionist?

    • Bill Spencer
      December 15, 2015 at 3:44 pm

      Let me know when. You’ll be massively great. And you don’t really need a live drummer anymore; there’s a sound-effects app that’ll give you a Ba-Dum-Bump followed by a cymbal crash.

  4. December 15, 2015 at 9:08 am

    Early Christians had all the fun. They were probably drinking wine during the sermon, not just waiting for one little sip. They got a few laughs and were surely inspired to return for more. Until those damn lion den things ruined everything.

    • Bill Spencer
      December 15, 2015 at 12:59 pm

      Yes, I believe Jesus was the *host* at an after-party, at which water-turned-into-wine flowed freely.

  5. December 14, 2015 at 12:17 pm

    So, no hecklers? Now, that would have been a brave soul. I can see it now. “Jesus, you stink!” Thunder clap, bolt of lightning and no more heckler.

    • Bill Spencer
      December 14, 2015 at 12:46 pm

      You’re very perceptive. Maybe Jesus’s reputation for “killing” with his stand-up discouraged would-be hecklers.

  6. December 14, 2015 at 11:48 am

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve read this year. So that’s why the follower numbers took off. Too many gems to mention, but being a son of God relegated to making coffee tables slayed me!

    • Bill Spencer
      December 14, 2015 at 12:42 pm

      Maybe I was inspired?

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