Jesus Does Stand-Up

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The Apostles all kept telling him he needed to lighten up, he was running off potential converts with the heavy sermonizing, so he decided to try stand-up.

Once the crowd was sitting around the top of the hill, he started riffing on the Bible, said he was writing a book but confessed he had a ghost writer, then hit ’em with the puncha HOLY Ghost writer and the little drummer boy gave him a Ba-Dum-Bump! Said he was working on a sequel to the OLD testament but needed help coming up with a title, he was open to suggestions.

Then he segued to a set on sin, called original sin an oxymoron, kept punctuating his patter with a high falsetto impression in an Egyptian accent, saying, The DEV-il made me do it!

Then he got more personal, poked fun at his situation, said he didn’t get no respect, said, I’m the Son of God and they’ve got me making coffee tables, said his mother couldn’t even describe his father to him, a one-night stand, dark, and she never really saw Him, she mainly remembered talking to His wing-man. He paused two beats, then repeated, His WING-man.

Said he had an invisible father and to make matters worse He was tri-polar, said he was healthier than his father, half-man, half-God, so he was only bi-polar, another rimshot on the drum, and the crowd was really tickled by now, said he never closed doors because he really WAS born in a barn, said he was surrounded by asses when he was bornand there were a few farm animals, too, he said. The crowd was on the ropes.

What was the deal with the magi? he said. Who gives myrrh as a baby gift? Or frankincense? I mean how wise could they be? How’d they even GET a reputation for being wise? It probably didn’t hurt that they wereKINGS!

People were almost rolling down the hill now they were laughing so hard, some rocking forward, some slapping their legs, some with tears and blowing their noses.

He let ’em laugh till they were all laughed out, then said, But seriously, folkslove one another.

My time’s up, he said. Thanks for listening. Thanks for laughing. You’ve been a great crowd. And he asked them to watch for his book and then he said, I’m Jesus Christ. Tell your friends. I’ll be here all week.

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12 thoughts on “Jesus Does Stand-Up”

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting, Amy, and I hope you know that I very much admire YOUR stories about Jesus, walking around in the modern world—wearing a ball cap and shopping for Tevas.

    1. Let me know when. You’ll be massively great. And you don’t really need a live drummer anymore; there’s a sound-effects app that’ll give you a Ba-Dum-Bump followed by a cymbal crash.

  1. Early Christians had all the fun. They were probably drinking wine during the sermon, not just waiting for one little sip. They got a few laughs and were surely inspired to return for more. Until those damn lion den things ruined everything.

    1. You’re very perceptive. Maybe Jesus’s reputation for “killing” with his stand-up discouraged would-be hecklers.

  2. This is one of the funniest things I’ve read this year. So that’s why the follower numbers took off. Too many gems to mention, but being a son of God relegated to making coffee tables slayed me!

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