Jesus: Hello, My children, and welcome
to My show! It’s about time the “Powers That Be” gave Me My own show; I was sick and tired of seeing everybody else get one and not Me. I mean, who better than Me to host a show? I don’t even have to do the research; I know everything about My guests.
Looking at the transcript now, I see there is an awful lot of Me, Myself, and I in there. But it feels good for a change after an eternity of Father, Son and The Holy Ghost. I wanted something that was My Own. Even Oprah has something of her OWN.
Sorry. I’m working on My material.
Anyway, in the grand tradition of talk shows being named for the host, ala, Ellen, Rosie, Merv, et al, my show is simply titled Jesus! Why the exclamation point? Because I’m Jesus, for My sake! And because the people I’m
interviewing exasperate me to the point where I just have to say to Myself “Jesus!”, ya know?So who better to get the ball rolling with, than Kim Kardashian. Oh, My Father, does this woman drive Me nuts. If you think we’re exempt in Paradise, you’re flat out wrong. We keep up with the Kardashians up here too, like it or not. I had to talk to this woman and find out what her deal is, and I want to know what’s up with that husband of hers.
So I sat down with her over lunch at Ivy recently. Can you believe I couldn’t get a reservation? She had her people do it. I have “people”! Twelve of them, to be exact. One of them’s kinda flaky, but still. During the course of the interview, people kept coming up to us asking for autographs. An listen, I’m flattered, but if one more person congratulates me on my Oscar and calls me Jared, I’m gonna lose my shit. Yes, I swear. I’m Jesus. I can do what I want. Okay, so here’s the interview.
Jesus: So Kim, I understand congratulations are in order. You recently married Kanye West in a couple of lavish ceremonies. How’s married life so far?
KK: Well Jesus, um…can I call you J? It just feels right, ya know? I feel like I’ve known you all my life.
Jesus: Okay…I suppose.
KK: Well J, it’s been really great. It felt like we were married already, but now it’s official and that’s super awesome. But now that we have a child, got engaged, and are married, we’re trying to come up with something else to do to call attention to ourselves, ya know? It’s been haaard.
Jesus: How do you feel about all the negative press? Does it get to you?
KK: It hurts. I mean, I’m only human, you understand that, right?
Jesus: For 33 years I did.
KK: It seems like everything we do, we get crucified in the press. Oh…sorry.
Jesus: No, that’s okay. I hear ya, girlfriend. Nobody likes you in your hometown syndrome. Listen, did you get butt implants? Because I know we didn’t put that in your specs. You weren’t meant to have a butt like that.
KK: Between you and me. That’s all I’ll say, because I know you already know the answer.
Jesus: So what’s up with that picture of you with my statue? I guess it’s flattering, but I kind of get the feeling you two are trying to be Me. Especially Kanye. C’mon, you can tell me, he thinks he’s God, doesn’t he?
KK: Woah Jesus! That’s a little
harsh, don’t you think? He’s just got a really strong sense of self. He’s in tune with who he is and he’s centered and all that kinda stuff.
Jesus: Whatever Kim. I think the guy’s just a self involved asshat.
KK: I’m not going to tell him you said that. That’s kinda mean.
Jesus: I speak only the truth, My child. Before we go, I have a message for Bruce.
Jesus: I just wanted him to know that if we made a mistake, which we don’t do, but if he would rather be a woman, that’s okay. We’re fine with that. Just tell him to come out and tell everybody already and stop pussyfooting around about it. It would help a lot of people in similar situations to feel better about coming out themselves.
KK: Okay. I’m not sure that’s what he’s doing, but…
Jesus: C’mon Kim, you can be straight with me…
KK: I think I’d better leave it up to Bruce. By the way Jesus, could you baptize Northwest for us?
Jesus: I don’t normally do that type of thing. I hire out to contractors.
KK: Oh, c’mon Jesus! It’s us, Kim and Kanye!
Jesus: What did I tell you about that elitist crap, Kim?
KK: I know, but President Obama makes exceptions for us.
Jesus: Okay. But just this once.
Jesus: Thanks for checking out the show! I hope you’ll tune in next time. I’ve got a lot of great guests lined up. Hollywood is chock full of crazies. It’s almost like We did it on purpose. *wink wink*