My Kind Of Superpowers | HumorOutcasts

My Kind Of Superpowers

March 5, 2015

superpowersNever mind leaping tall buildings in a single bound, deflecting bullets with magic bracelets or having the strength to throw bad guys across the room. Here are a few of the superpowers I’d really love to have:

Being able to effortlessly give a pill to the cat without getting my arm torn off.

Always choosing the fastest moving line at the supermarket.

Being able to remove all the fats, sugar and calories from a large slice of pie without affecting any of the taste.

Opening directly to the sexy pages of any bestseller.

Summoning the right devastating retort whenever somebody says something offensive or disrespectful. Instantly! Not two hours later.

Always finding a parking space right in front of my destination.

Magically making a cop appear and give a speeding ticket to any jerk who rockets past me going 90mph on the freeway.

Knowing just the right words to get a sullen teen to open up and have an honest conversation, then smile and say “I love you, Mom.”

Always getting the seat on a plane that has an empty seat next to it. And is nowhere near the howling baby. Or else —

Being able to magically calm and quiet a howling baby.

Recognizing “Mr. Right” the moment I meet him instead of looking back, years later, and realizing that he was “The One.”

Being able to transfer any huge ugly bug or small fast-moving rodent I discover in my house back to its natural habitat without actually touching it.

Giving instant laryngitis to anybody loudly blathering on a cell phone in public.

I’d also like the power to sincerely forgive anyone who has annoyed me enough to make me want to throw him across the room.  But that might be asking for too much…

Roz Warren

Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from The New York Times to The Funny Times, is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider's Tales of Library Life, both of which you should buy immediately.

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12 Responses to My Kind Of Superpowers

  1. March 5, 2015 at 10:57 pm

    Yes, the fastest line at the supermarket or any drive through is where I have no luck.

  2. Kathy Minicozzi
    March 5, 2015 at 9:30 pm

    I would consider it a blessing to be able to clean my whole apartment, scoop out the cat’s litter box, wash the dishes and wash the windows in 5 minutes or less, using nothing but a Swiffer Wet Jet, some Lysol wipes, some Windex and a litter box scooper. In other words: no mops; no pails of water; no scrubbing.

  3. March 5, 2015 at 5:25 pm

    Always having a great hair day. But first having some hair.

    • March 5, 2015 at 9:05 pm

      You do have some hair. I’ve seen you!

      • March 5, 2015 at 9:09 pm

        Some hair?!! This was a joke!

  4. March 5, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    I like the cop ready and waiting to take down nasty speeders or tailgaters. That would be awesome!

  5. March 5, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    The cat powers are truly needed. Hah, great.

  6. March 5, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    These super powers would all be admirable…weirdly, I do seem to have parking Karma and almost always get the best spot…but I do wish that were lottery karma instead of parking karma.

  7. March 5, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    Yup. To every single one of them.

  8. March 5, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    This column has superpowers, Roz, because there’s not a bad line in the bunch! VERY funny and relatable.

  9. March 5, 2015 at 12:43 pm

    Without a doubt, an Invisibility Cloak to be omnipresent and hear it all. Oh, dear, I believe our government took dibs on that one.

    • March 5, 2015 at 1:50 pm

      HA! Yeah, they did. Good one.

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