Second Amendment Shopping

Shopping unarmed. The inevitable result.
Shopping unarmed. The inevitable result.

The problem with life is that there’s just so much to fear. Everyone and everything is a potential threat. For example, take ISIS. The GOP presidential candidates can’t stop talking about that group, for a good reason. It’s a direct threat to America. Because in a direct confrontation we would show up with this:


But ISIS would come back at us with THIS:


Picture a hundred of these things rolling towards you, the air filled with a deafening roar from front wheels flapping side to side. The ominous sound of angry dudes bitching to god about having no manufacturing capability and being reduced to using shopping carts. The ear-piercing squeal of squeaky metal parts grinding against each other. That’s the modern, fear-inducing equivalent of those Scottish bagpipes of war.

But this shopping cart weapon has a far better use. In America. Earlier this week Rick Perry (R-Freedom) responded to a shooting at a Louisiana movie theater by saying that people should be able to bring guns to movie theaters. He’s so right, and the same goes for Wal-Mart, where in 2014 there were roughly 80 incidents involving guns. These included robberies, shoplifting, shootings in the parking lot, and an Idaho incident where two drunk guys shot up a store with BB guns.

You don’t need that crap. You’re just there to shop. And you shouldn’t have to shop in fear. So picture having your own shopping cart gun (with the weapon, of course, facing the other way). That argument over a parking spot? It ends before it even begins when you drag out this thing. Then you can go inside and cruise the aisle with confidence, free from fear as you hunt down that 10-gallon bottle of Dr Pepper. And when you head back out to your car, ain’t no one gonna rob you. One look at the barrel sticking out of your cart and that former store employee is gonna start looking for someone else to rob.

This is Second Amendment shopping at its finest.

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4 thoughts on “Second Amendment Shopping”

  1. Of course, bad guys with guns is exactly why I’m armed when I walk into Wal-Mart, but I’ve found that staying out of the cigarette/alcohol lane helps avoid confrontation.

    1. Target has some pretty strong carts. They’re programmed to stop and not move, though, once you reach the outside door. You’d have to hack into their security system in order to steal one. 😉

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