Super Bowl XLIX: A View From Seattle


The streets were empty. Many of the stores were closed. The air was buzzing with anticipation and excitement. It was like Mike Huckabee was holding a rally downtown at CenturyLink Field.

But seriously, Sunday’s Superbowl was strange, a weird mixture of excitement and total confusion. It reminded me of the time as a kid I rode a new amusement park ride that spun furiously, sticking you to the wall while the floor fell away. It was thrilling. But once we reached maximum speed the kid next to me got sick. His liquefied cotton-candy suspended in the air for a bit and then slammed back into the wall, where it stayed, stuck between his head and mine until the ride ended. I couldn’t wait for the ride to end. Which is exactly how the Superbowl felt.

The game was excellent, maybe the best I’ve ever seen, but the ads were totally confusing. People hugging in a McDonald’s? That only happens when someone’s performing a Heimlich maneuver to dislodge a McNugget that’s escaped a recall. And if it’s such a good idea, then why was Kim Kardashian telling me that I should keep my unused data? I’d listen to Edward Snowden, but not Kim. And I have no idea what I was supposed to take away as I watched Lindsey Lohan mock her own DUI history.

Nobody wants to return to the horribly sexist ads of the past. But at least when a model in a bikini was licking a Dorito, the message was clear – it said “Doritos make you look intelligent so women should buy them.”

Advertisers need to realize something – the Superbowl is a day for drinking. And people who’ve been drinking don’t pick up on subtleties and irony. They’re not in their “intelligent space.” So advertisers should just go back to the Dorito-style ad, but this time use a crying dude in a Speedo so they look sensitive to modern gender issues.

Seattle’s decision to pass on 2nd and goal from the two-yard line was confusing. You shouldv’e seen the reaction in the room full of Seattleites — it was like watching a wealthy 90 year-old Dad tell his family that he was getting remarried to a 20 year-old gold-digger. But if it’d worked we’d have been shouting “The coach is a genius” instead of “What the hell?”

Watching IT professionals debate football strategy is pretty amusing.

Speaking of the coach, my greatest source of confusion arrived earlier in the day while I was browsing through a bookstore. I saw this book in the window. And my first thought was “Nope, unh-unh, this is a self-curse because it’s just not possible to….


It’s all too confusing. Next year I’m going skiing.

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