Want to be a Genius? Get an Ailment

What does it take to be the next Ludwig van Beethoven?

An ability to string musical notes together definitely helps, as does playing an instrument and an eccentric personality. Wild hair is good too; an unruly, Einstein-like mop gives you that on-the-edge look that drives groupie historians crazy.

But if you really want to follow folks like the Big Symphony guy into the artistic genius hall of fame, what you really need is an infirmity such as arrhythmia.

A cardiologist, a medical historian, and a musicologist (sounds like the opening line of a bad joke) recently analyzed Beethoven’s music and health. They concluded that some of the master’s greatest works could have been inspired by his irregular heartbeat caused by arrhythmia. The researchers observe that in some of Beethoven’s greatest pieces the keys suddenly change and the skewed note sequences sound like an unbalanced heartbeat.

In other words, Beethoven got his inspiration from a dodgy ticker.

As first I thought the theory sounded like a variation on hogwash. Imagine the logistics of Beethoven’s composing sessions. Having sawn the legs off his piano the poor guy was lying with an ear to the keyboard while holding a listening device to his heart and scribbling notes on a sheet of parchment. No wonder his notes were erratic.

Then I got to thinking about other great artists.

Consider, for example, the French impressionist painter Claude Monet. Later in life he painted abstract, blurred renditions of his garden that were hailed as masterpieces. The truth is that the guy could hardly see; as his vision deteriorated old Claude could barely tell the difference between a lily and a lamppost.

Another case in point is George Orwell, author of the classic novels Animal Farm and 1984. Some researchers believe that George was able to inject his stories with so much misery because he was having such a miserable time with tuberculosis. He’d suffered from the condition for most of his life, and turned the screw by going to live in a damp, cold farmhouse in the far reaches of Scotland to write.

It seems that the secret to artistic stardom is having at least one bona fide, non-trivial ailment. Run-of-the-mill illnesses such as a bout of flu, the occasional sinus headache, or a mysterious rash don’t cut it; we’re talking about a solid medical condition that pushes your abilities into the genius zone.

Also, don’t think that alcoholism, manic depression, or syphilis qualify you. That sort of stuff comes with the territory, like living in an artist’s garret on cat food. Maladies like these have been done to death (literally).

So, if you suspect that you’re an undiscovered artistic genius, get an ailment as soon as possible if you don’t already have one. Maybe you can start a new school of ailments with avant-garde conditions such as Carpal Tunnel Syndrome or texter’s thumb.

The important thing is to choose a heavy-duty disorder that fuels your creative juices, and has you humming Ode to Joy.