Welcome Change Comes To The Olympics

Everything needs to change to stay relevant. For example, in an age of road-rage, struggling car dealerships might give away guns to attract customers. But one thing has barely changed over the years:

The Olympics.

Sure, the outfits have changed. And exciting new events like pocket pool have been introduced. But since the first modern Olympics in 1896 little has changed. A guy throws a javelin down a field and hopes he doesn’t strike a referee, just like the guy back in 1896 did. Someone lifts a monstrous barbell and hopes they don’t throw out their back. Winners stand on a stage wearing medals. Etc.

But the Olympics are now evolving. Or, more accurately, they’re being forced to evolve to meet current ecological realities. Recently I read something about the Rio 2016 Summer Olympics. Apparently, the water where swimmers will compete is horribly polluted with human waste and heavy metals. Swimmers training for the event are getting sick.

Or take the Beijing 2022 Olympics. Now we’re factoring in serious air pollution. One estimate I read said that every hour spent outdoors in or around Beijing decreases life expectancy by 20 minutes. Simply living in a Chinese city is like smoking inside a Smart Car, so imagine trying to sprint in one.

These changes are good. Events will now test not only an athlete’s physical prowess, but the strength of their immune system as well. It’s a new test of overall, whole-body strength that includes more than just muscles. The best swimmer in the world will be the person who not only is the fastest, but also has an immune system capable of fighting off cholera or salmonella. Sure, lots of people can complete a marathon. But now the best-of-the-best will be the person who can do it with a lung full of benzene.

Having spent years in training, smokers will finally have a shot at the gold. I can’t wait to see someone grinning on the victory podium with a cigarette clenched in their teeth while The Star Spangled Banner is being played.