I took a break from Netflix one evening to tune into network television. The show I was watching stunk but I noticed a plethora of commercials advertising products claiming to treat constipation. This led my mind into the latrine where I felt an urge to push for some unique cures for life’s most constipating moments.
1) Vacation: While Sky Magazine highlights smooth flight paths and smiling attendants, the reality of missed connections and oversized Cinnabons can result in tight sphincters and a sluggish colon. When you arrive at your destination don’t waste time straining on a Disney World toilet while your family is tripping on Space Mountain. Pop a Re-Lax pill to ensure the solid landing of your bowel contents creating a fun and worry free vacation from the moment its magic begins.
2) Early relationship: Name brand laxative Swiss Kriss loses an ‘R’ and transforms into Swiss Kiss for those early days in a relationship when you stifle gas and suppress nature’s call, waiting for a more private setting. Alas, when you finally attempt to make a move, no amount of exertion will rectify the situation without the aid of this heart-shaped pill. Bonus: Comes with a complimentary 6-month supply of Poo Pourri.
3) Divorce: Capitalizing on its perfect name, ex-lax targets the broken-hearted. Nothing says paralyzed colon like a steady diet of Cheetos, black coffee, and conflict.
4) Childbirth: Having executed a miracle, women with fresh episiotomies are primed for the birth of miracle #2 with Mira-lax. Wouldn’t this be a great addition to a postpartum welcome home package for new mothers?
5) Exploring backcountry: Not to be a party-pooper, stool softeners have entered the fecal frenzy, by appealing to outdoor enthusiasts. They have changed the name of Colace to Eco-lace and are selling it by the dump load in the camping department of every major sports outlet. What happens when you are hiking and have an attack of constipation? Reach into your backpack for Eco-lace and your poop will no longer impersonate bunny scat.
6) First year of college: The latest hot drug on campus for freshmen eager to experience an all-nighter is Fleet Stimulant Lax. While the name implies a resemblance to amphetamines and Ritalin, it is actually the spark that ignites student movements. Now the only thing full of crap on campus is the requirement to carry 12 credits to maintain full-time status.
8) Religious experience: Confessions have gone up in the Catholic Church now that Senokot has an option called Sinners Caught. Believe me, forgiveness has never been more cleansing.
9) Supporting a cause: Benefiber will give 10% of its proceeds to worthy organizations when you add this to your digestive arsenal. Recipients: American Cheese Society, Federation to Revitalize Banana Growers and the National Cattlemen’s Union. Special offer: Mail in ten proofs of purchase to receive a free Fry-o-lator.
I’m skeptical that drug companies will implement my excellent suggestions anytime soon. With this year’s election I’ve heard they are scrambling to develop unique remedies for nausea.
What a waste.
What suggestions can you add to this list?