And Now for a Massage from the Swedish Prime Minister…Monty Python

As we were discussing our daughters’ fierce food requirements when they come to visit, my friend, Pat revealed that she feels the same way as I do about  the wonders of kale.

Pat’s daughter is a vegan and my daughter is very careful about her diet. When these girls  come to stay at our respective homes, we grocery shop for them, we cook for them and we try very hard not to make a mistake, insult their food, or give them any excuse to never return.

Each and everyone of you knows that kale is the Super Woman of super food. When you ingest kale, you are creating a vortex of health, wisdom, happiness, hale(ness?) and heartiness throughout your body. Kale will not be denied. It will make all things well in the world, especially in your colon, pancreas, pituitary gland and all those other internal organs you play like a fiddle.

I hate kale. I hate mean girls and I hate kale.

Do not give me recipes for kale. Do not tell me to eat kale chips, kale salad or kale smoothies. I tried. I hate it.

This is where Pat explained to me, that her daughter explained to her, that in order to release the power and joys of kale you need to massage it.

Okay, seriously, I’m done now.

I don’t even know what that  means…massage the kale. Do I need massage oil for that? Can instructions be found in the Kalema Sutra?

Looks pretty, but is it worth it?
Looks pretty, but is it worth it?

I’m not massaging my kale. I don’t even massage my husband.  If anyone’s getting a massage here it’s me. I will buy non-dairy yogurt, gluten free bread, only shredded Brussels sprouts for the healthy visitors in my house . But even if it makes kale taste like anything from Ben & Jerry’s, I refuse to massage the kale.

Yes, I’m far from perfect. Yes, I eat and drink things that are naughty. And in the interest of full disclosure, I snarfed up all the Easter Candy. left over wedding favors and the real Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in the freezer last night before our daughter came home for a lengthy visit. I say that as a point of pride, not shame (about the food, not my daughter). After all, I was creating a healthy food environment for my house guest, right? Oh, the things we do for company.

As for my personal constitution, all my grandparents lived well into their 90’s and I’m certain that not one of them ever massaged a leafy green vegetable. So I’m good.

For more of my humor go here

Cathy is the author of Showering with Nana: Confessions of a Serial Caregiver

Share this Post:

12 thoughts on “And Now for a Massage from the Swedish Prime Minister…Monty Python”

  1. It starts off with massaging food and then, before you know it, “real” kids are born.

  2. My wife has found some creative ways to use kale, but my favorite is her kale lasagna. Won’t work out in your case, though–what makes her lasagna great isn’t the kale, but the nice, juicy layers of meat.

  3. I so get this. If I decide to sneak a burger king lunch, my daughter’s food radar goes off and I get a text. “what are you doing?” and I lie and say at “Saladworks.” LOL I do have my homemade kale juices each morning, but a cookie at night to stay balanced because no matter how I massage kale, it still tastes icky.

    1. AHhhh balance, that thing we do to pretend we’re doing the right thing. It’s like confession, as long as we report it, we can do all the bad crap we desire. Oh and be sorry, be so very, very sorry.

  4. Yes, you make it clear what you won’t do, but you leave much unsaid. What WOULD you be willing to do?

    How far would you go to help your kelp?
    Would you be willing to rub your rhubarb?
    Or whack your wheatgerm?
    Would you beat your wheat? Would you beat your beets?
    Would you grope your grapefruit?
    Caress your carrots?
    Would you poke, prod, pummel, or pound your peas?
    Would you squeeze your peas? Or tease your peas?
    And what about these? And what about those.
    And what would you do with biscuit dough—if the knead arose?

  5. I hate kale, too. Except for kale chips, which I like to make. And kale disappears in a smoothie. But other than that? I hate kale. Just saying.

Comments are closed.