Boots on the Ground


If you’re anything like me, you enjoy the “seariously” cowy taste of Trump steak and the liquidy wetness of Trump water.

His steaks are so beautifully marbled, I had my kitchen counters made out of them. His water is so pure, I baptized all my kids, and pets, in it.

And now, finally, Mr. Trump is coming out with a much-needed product for these dangerous times: boots on the ground.

“We need boots on the ground”, says Mr. Trump, and he delivers.

The boots are big and shiny. Each pair comes resting on a piece of hallowed ground, personally walked on by Mr. Trump.

Each boot will be named Jack, and have a big letter “J” on it. Hence, Jackboot. “J” is also Mr. Trump’s middle initial, and, coincidentally, begins the words “jerk” and “jingoistic”.

Before putting on these gems, all customers are to salute the boot and bellow, “Jack. On.” When removing, “Jack. Off.” is the appropriate call.

His first shipment of boots on the ground is headed to Syria, where he expects them to sell briskly.

The quality of these boots is without question. Mr. Trump expects the boots to survive much longer than the troops, um, customers, wearing them in the Middle East.

Mr. Trump was asked if he’s concerned about putting boots on the ground in the Middle East.

“What are we going to have, boots on a shelf? Is America an elf on a shelf? Boots belong on the ground.”

“Look, vote for Bernie Sanders and you’ll get moccasins on the ground. Hillary will give us pumps or high heels on the ground. It won’t work, folks.”

Once Mr. Trump is President, he will sell the boots on the ground directly from the Oval Office, throwing pairs out those big windows behind his chair. You’ll get a free pair with the White House tour.

Domestic sales are expected to be driven mostly by the fact that he will force every citizen to wear a pair, or they’ll be booted out of the country.

The Joint Chiefs are skeptical of Mr. Trump’s boots on the ground, mostly because they prefer the Pentagon’s radar-evading version at the much fairer price of $1 billion each.

I asked Mr. Trump if he was aware that “boots on the ground” is an example of a synedoche, and one of his supporters punched me in the face.


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