GOIN’ SOUTH | HumorOutcasts

GOIN’ SOUTH

March 28, 2016
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Why didn’t someone warn me that once I hit the middle age years, my skin would lose its elasticity faster than a stretched-out rubber band? Wrinkles, I understand…but sagging? I didn’t see that one coming.

Despite the hours I spend at the gym to tone and firm what God gave me, the skin on my body still looks like an accordion. I’m pretty sure that if every crease was stretched out flat, I’d have enough skin to cover two people. There’s even excess flesh on my back . If I could pull it up over my head, I’d have a skin hoodie for all those cold winter nights.

I had to stop wearing tank tops years ago too, and not because my boobs look like they belong on a reality TV show called, “Gourds Gone South.”  I chucked all my sleeveless shirts because they revealed the extra skin flaps under my arms, and I didn’t want to be mistaken for a flying squirrel.

The same goes for slinky dresses and tight jeans.  No amount of sit-ups or stomach crunches can erase the effects of birthing four children by c-section coupled with years of yo-yo dieting.  I doubt that I’ll ever regain enough muscle tone in my waistline to wear a bathing suit in public again. I’m cursed with a deflated inner tube that’s stuck around my middle like a droopy doughnut (minus the chocolate sprinkles). Sadly, the only part of my body that hasn’t lost muscle tone is my uterus. That particular organ is about as tough as overcooked calamari.

I need to combat these sagging parts one area at a time. Lately I’ve been Googling Brazilian butt lifts because I think a little booty enhancement would do wonders for my bottom, which is heading south at an alarming rate. If my fanny drops any lower, I’ll be dusting the floors with it….and I’ll be the first person to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records as a Human Swifter Butt.

Spanx was invented for this very reason—-to give the false impression that both my tummy and derriere are firm. Unfortunately, the tight fabric just pushes things further south until my thighs are rubbing together like mating seals. At this point in my life, I consider it pure luck that I haven’t received a free, lifetime membership to Sea World.

I’ve also noticed that my earlobes are beginning to hang a bit lower. It won’t be long before all my dangly earrings are resting on my shoulder blades. But on the bright side, if my earlobes continue to droop, they can serve as wind flaps while I’m driving down the road. At least the grand kids won’t have to worry about grandma running any red lights.

The good news about my sagging skin? By the time I’m a senior citizen, I’ll be able to tug on the drawstring of my skin hoodie to look twenty years younger.

Or maybe just swim year ’round in the warm pools at Sea World.

Marcia Kester Doyle

Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humor book, "Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane" and the voice behind the midlife blog , Menopausal Mother. Her work has been featured on The Washington Post, Good Housekeeping, Cosmopolitan, Woman's Day, House Beautiful, Country Living, Hello Giggles, Ravishly, Purple Clover, Scary Mommy, and The Huffington Post, among others.

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9 Responses to GOIN’ SOUTH

  1. April 4, 2016 at 6:58 am

    You’ve so captured the essence of the ageing process.

  2. March 30, 2016 at 9:10 pm

    My earlobes are falling fast too!! WTH??

  3. March 30, 2016 at 9:41 am

    Skin hoodie! Love the visual.

  4. March 30, 2016 at 9:16 am

    A skin hoodie! Bahahaha! You absolutely crack me up…but you scare me, a little. I’m 42…how much longer do I have before I also have a butt Swiffer?

  5. March 30, 2016 at 7:59 am

    If only Newton hadn’t invented gravity.

  6. March 29, 2016 at 7:10 pm

    Yup..seems like nothing man-made can actually defeat father time and the effects of gravity.

  7. March 29, 2016 at 6:29 pm

    I didn’t know ear lobes could start to droop! There I was thinking that at least my ears would remain youthful & never let me down!

  8. Bill Spencer
    March 29, 2016 at 6:27 am

    It’s actually easy to get everything to go north again. Just stand on your head.



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