I Love You, Spamfolder People
A Roman à Spam
by Rottington Post
The following is based on the author’s actual spamfolder contents. Names have been changed to protect the identity of the actual email bots.
_______________________________
From: Lily Valentina
Subject: Why Aren’t You B@nging Me?
Bang your neighbor, it’s totally normal! I am not about love and marriage, I am fully about sxx! Busty girl-next-door 5’7”curves luvs 2 please. We can play different roles. Click me.
See ya soon!
_______________________________
From: Rottington P.
Subject: Re: Why Aren’t You B@nging Me?
Lily,
Thanks so much for the generous offer!
I’m so relieved to learn that it’s totally normal – and from an expert such as yourself. I am already fantasizing about the normal things we will do together. I’m all about sxx too. Seems like we would have a lot in common. By the way, I love your minimalist prose style. It’s gritty! It’s real! It’s the vernacular of our post-modern world, yet beguilingly deep and searching. Who is your favorite philosopher?
_______________________________
From: Jack Hampton
Subject: Open vacancy
Our members are making around $2500 per day without effort… and their bank account is growing fabulously.
Not sure how many more members we can accept, but if you’re reading this email now you’ve already been approved! Instant access here.
_______________________________
From: Rottington P.
Subject: Re: Open vacancy
Gosh, Jack. This looks really interesting! I’ve been looking for someone to pay me a lot of money to do nothing, and…here you are! What timing. That’s great about your open vacancy. That’s the very best kind of vacancy. I could really use the money now too, as I’m just now starting an affair with a busty girl-next-door 5’7” curves. We’re all about sxx. It’s completely normal!
Anyway, thanks so much for accepting me as one of your members. I’ve already started doing nothing for you. So, you can go ahead and start forwarding the $2,500 per day.
_______________________________
From: Willie Graham
Subject: Stay Hard 4ever With These Pills
She’s full with me AGAIN! It is Still UP! These pills are really good. She gave me a great #@^$^& and we finished in her bed…. Thrice!
My next pl@ymate will be the naughty chick I liked in school. Oush! You gonna love it!
_______________________________
From: Rottington P.
Subject: Re: Stay Hard 4ever With These Pills
Willie, this is incredible. I can’t believe the timing. I mean, everything is falling into place for me so perfectly! It’s like a dream! This is just what I could use right now. Talk about coincidences!
My next pl@ymate will be a busty girl-next-door 5’7”curves. And I’m about to get tons of money, so I can definitely afford your pills.
I do have a couple of questions. First, I am not sure I really want to “stay hard 4ever.” That seems like a long time. Do you have a version that just lasts for a year or two?
Also, this thing about, “we finished in her bed… Thrice…” Do you mean you finished in her bed on three separate occasions? Or you started three times, somewhere else, and each time, you guys made it over to her bed to finish? Or what? I’m not getting it.
_______________________________
From: Loretta Flower
Subject: Urgent Sex Invitation
Take me to heaven, neighbor! No need to put your pants on. I like to think about it. I’ve taken some pics 4 u. Tired of waiting. I don’t care who else you %^#(. Just need you!
_______________________________
From: Rottington P.
Subject: Re: Urgent Sex Invitation
Loretta, this is beyond amazing. Guess what? I was just about to start %^#!ing another neighbor! We’re all about sxx. And…you don’t even mind who else I %^#! Plus I have just ordered these pills and…wow! I could finish in the bed of my other neighbor twice, and then I can come over and finish in your bed thrice!! Or even fice!! Oush! And I don’t even need to put my pants on! That’s really understanding of you, by the way. And this really nice guy Jack is paying me $2,500 a day to do all this! You spam folder people are the best!spam-feature
I have to say, Loretta, your letter really affected me. I mean, I truly felt understood. Finally! Sadly, Mrs. Rotting Post, does not understand me at all. She actually wants me to wear pants around the house.
Aren’t real people so annoying? From now on, I just want to spend all my time with you spam folder people.
Reprinted from The Rotting Post
Gosh, I’ve never read my spam folder. Who knew?
it’s worth an occasional visit. in fact, to be serious for a moment, every now and then something important gets misclassified there.
Great work,Dan.
thanks!
My spam folder doesn’t understand me at all. Now I know why. It thinks I’m you. Want me to forward them to you? 😉
OMG No, please! I did hear from a couple of other female friends who said similar: they are spammed about male ‘enhancement’ products and “hot” women.
My spam folder makes my life worth living!
yikes! 🙂
This is very %^#!ing funny.
Hey, thanks. Glad you enjoyed.