Ok. I admit it. I wasn’t thinking when my twenty-five-year-old daughter showed me her adorable new red suede high heeled sneakers. Yes, I did say high heeled sneakers. Technically, they’re high wedges, but either way, they’re shoes with laces that look like sneakers but put the wearer’s foot at almost a forty-five-degree angle. I wasn’t thinking because I am not twenty-five, and I ordered a pair for myself. When I wore them with jeans, they looked cute, all be it uncomfortable, but when I made an attempt at wearing them with a casual dress all hell broke loose. The dress was new, and when I went to wear it for the first time, I realized that the red suede shoes were the only ones I had that matched. When I paraded into the living room to announce to my husband that I was ready to go out, he wanted to know when I was changing. This from a man who never noticed the day I dyed my lifetime of brown hair to red.
“You don’t like it,” I asked?
“It’s fine if you’re trying to look like you’re a twenty-year-old pushin’ fifty,” he responded.
I couldn’t change fast enough. The dress didn’t get worn until I purchased a new, and flatter pair of shoes. What was I thinking? Really? Sneakers with heels? Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m all for keeping up with new trends, keeping active, and trying to look my best, but I want to look my best for the fifty something-year-old woman that I am, not one who’s trying to relive my youth.
My own father was a plastic surgeon. I’m all for people going in for a tuck here or a nip there for the sake of making themselves feel better, but honestly, does Barry Manilow not know that we are aware of how long he’s been around. Barry. Embrace your longevity! I don’t want to be fifty trying to look twenty. I don’t want to be sixty trying to look thirty. And for heaven sakes if I’m fortunate enough to live to my nineties, will I really care if I don’t look seventy?
Now that I’m in my fifties, I try to find a happy medium. I don’t want to go to the stores that cater to the twenty-somethings, but I don’t want to shop at the old lady stores either. It seems that no matter what type of clothing store I’m in, I’m trying to figure out if there’s a fabric shortage in this country, or if there’s a conspiracy by the fashion moguls to try to sell me more articles of clothing. What should I be thinking when the fabric of every blouse I try on is so thin that it requires me to wear a camisole underneath? I can’t decide if it’s the camisole manufacturers who have formed the country’s strongest union, if cheap labor has created a cheaply made product that’s transparent, if we have transparent clothes purposefully being made to replace the transparent government that we don’t have, or if there’s a nationwide conspiracy to fulfill the fetish of the men’s club who has formed their memberships by recruiting members who seek middle-aged women who strut in public in see-through clothing that reveals every inch of flab she thinks she’s covering up!
And please tell me who invented the “who cares if your bra strap shows or what color it is” fashion trend. I can’t tell you how many blouses I’ve tried on in which I have yet to find any Victoria Secret bra with any type of strap adjustment that will work for it without the straps showing unless I want to permanently walk around in a strapless bra. What were they thinking when they invented strapless bras anyway? If your boobs are young and perky, you don’t need one, and if they’re old and droopy, let’s face it, there ain’t no strapless out there gonna lift and separate the old girls well enough for public consumption.
And don’t go thinking this craziness is reserved just for women. Have you seen the half thong for men? For your own health and safety, I highly recommend you Google it. I wouldn’t want you to be caught unprepared in mixed company on your first viewing of this little, and I do mean little, fashion trend. I don’t know about you, but if I want to see any other man’s junk, I’ll call 1-800-junk for an estimate.
I don’t begrudge anyone trying to look their best, but for me, I want to look my best for the middle aged/senior woman that I am. So I do admit that I was in error in trying the high heeled sneaks with the dress, but the thirty-something woman I saw at the mall recently has me beat. She was donning a pair of high heels without the high heel! I’m not kidding. My jaw dropped, and my eyes bugged out, and I couldn’t keep myself from staring. When I got home, I Googled new trends in shoes and found “no heel high heels” also called “anti-gravity wedges.” Are you kidding me? Have you seen these things? Not only are they selling pairs of shoes in which you are literally to be walking on your toes, but women are actually buying them. What are they thinking? I don’t care what decade of life you’re in, the site of these things makes me nuts.
Whatever new trends come down the pike, I’ll be ready…to judge for myself, and my age, whether the trend is right for me or not, because next time I buy one single pair of shoes that aren’t comfortable, I’ll be going crazy. You wanna come for the ride?
Let’s chat. Have you seen any crazy trends lately. Have you tried any? Tell me all about it in the comments section below.