Littering Larry | HumorOutcasts

Littering Larry

September 15, 2016
By

minimum-security-prisonINT. PRISON CELL
Brightly lit and somewhat clean, but bland and a bit depressing. A guard walks in from stage right with a nebbish inmate, WINSTON. He guides him to the cell. There’s a small poster opposite a pair of bunk beds.

GUARD
Alright, here it is.

The guard opens the door and pushes Winston in. There’s another inmate present, lying on the top bunk, LARRY.

GUARD
Meet your cellmate Larry.

The guard closes the cell door and walks off, stage right. Winston stands, unsure of what to do.

WINSTON (awkward)
Hi.

Larry lies on the top bunk nonchalantly, reading from a beat-up paperback.

WINSTON
I’m Winston.

Larry’s eyes dart towards him for a second before returning to the book. A cold stare. Winston gets the hint and sits down on the bottom bunk.

LARRY
What’re you in for?

WINSTON
Uh, tax fraud… it’s really blue-collar, I know.

Larry bolts up and leaps off the bunk. He stares down Winston, giving an intimidating look, his shadow being cast over the small man.

LARRY
They call you Winston?

WINSTON (confused)
Y-yes.

LARRY
You know what they call me?

Winston pauses, a bit intimidated.

WINSTON
L-larry?

LARRY
Litterin’ Larry. You know why they call me that?

Winston thinks for a moment.

WINSTON
You… littered?

LARRY (not a second later)
Damn right!

He punches the palm of his hand in frustration and turns around.

LARRY
Gah! It’s a victimless crime. Like jaywalking. Or robbing a bank.

WINSTON
Well, Actually… wait, what-?

LARRY (interrupting)
Hey, is he gone?

WINSTON
Is he…?

Winston looks back to where the guard was.

WINSTON (CONT’D)
Uh yeah. Looks like it.

LARRY
Good.

Larry removes the poster from the wall, revealing a gaping hole.

LARRY (panicked)
Quick! Get in!

WINSTON
What!?

LARRY
We’re making a break for it! Now you first.

WINSTON
Wait! I don’t know.

Larry grabs Winston and tries to push him in the hole.

WINSTON
Look, I’m just here for a short while. I know what I did was wrong and am willing to repent.

LARRY
You remember the outside, Winston? The flowers and the trees? The fresh air?

WINSTON
Yeah. I’ve only been in for a few minutes.

LARRY
Well I haven’t. I can’t tell you the last time I saw a sun that wasn’t behind bars.

WINSTON
Are you just in for littering?

LARRY
Look, Winston. I need someone I can trust. I want to trust you. And if we want to get out of here we have to work as a team.

WINSTON (looking at the hole)
It looks kind of small, are you sure we can fit in there?

LARRY
Have faith, Winston. Have just a little faith, will you?

WINSTON
Okay, but…

He gets on one knee.

LARRY
I’ll stand guard.

Winston ducks into the hole.

WINSTON
It’s kind of cramped.

LARRY
That’s alright. Keep going.

Winston crawls further into the hole.

LARRY
Yeah… wait.

Winston stops, mostly in the hole at this point.

WINSTON
What?

Larry looks out of the cell, to the left and right.

LARRY
Hey! Guard! Help! This guy’s trying to escape!

WINSTON
Wait, what!?

Winston tries to get out, but it proves to be difficult. Two guards come.

LARRY
Guard, this man’s trying to escape.

GUARD
Jeez, already?

The guards pull Winston out of the hole. And handcuff him.

WINSTON
But wait, it wasn’t me! It was Larry! He told me to do it.

GUARD
Really? Larry? He’ll be out in a week on good behavior. Why would he do something dumb like that?

WINSTON
I… I don’t know. Larry, why?

LARRY
I tried to stop him, but he ignored me.

WINSTON
No I didn’t! It was all him!

GUARD
I don’t think you’re ready for a cellmate. Solitary confinement’s probably a better fit.

WINSTON
No! Wait! I didn’t! Larry! It was-

Winston breaks from the guards grip.

WINSTON
I’ll kill you Littering Larry! Mark my words!

LARRY
Well if that’s not a telltale sign…

GUARD
Real nice, Winston.

The guards carry Winston off, kicking and screaming.

The guard that had been doing all the talking comes back.

GUARD
Oh yeah. Here you go.

The guard gives Larry a few dollar bills.

GUARD
Great job, Larry. You’re our best snitch yet!

The guard leaves. Larry watches. He jumps back up on the top bunk, lies back and starts counting his bills.

Pete.Shearer

A full-blown college graduate, with a degree and everything.

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4 Responses to Littering Larry

  1. September 16, 2016 at 7:16 am

    Oh my! Littering Larry is not a nice person! LOL

    • Pete.Shearer
      September 16, 2016 at 9:09 am

      No one likes a snitch, as they say.

  2. Bill Spencer
    September 15, 2016 at 4:01 pm

    The world is littered with Larry’s victims.

    This is funny.

    • Pete.Shearer
      September 16, 2016 at 9:08 am

      Thanks for the compliment, Bill! I’m glad you thought it was funny.



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