The 21-Day Parenting Weight Loss Plan | HumorOutcasts

The 21-Day Parenting Weight Loss Plan

February 23, 2016

Hip-Hop-DVDGot kids? Great! Then you can put your parenting status to work for you as you try to shed those extra pounds. In just 21 days, the parenting weight loss plan will turn you from flabulous to fabulous, one day at a time.

Day 1: Catch a nasty stomach virus that your six-year-old brings home from that petri dish called First Grade. Don’t eat for three days. Score.

Day 2: In the only free time you have available to exercise, spend it looking for the You Can Hip-Hop at 40! DVD that your kids took out of the DVD player to pop in their Star Wars movie.

Day 3: Take your kids to the beach. Carry one of them on your back all afternoon because he doesn’t like the feel of sand.

Day 4: Jump into the mix when your kids engage in a brawl. Get kicked in the stomach and dry heave the rest of the night.

Day 5: Negotiate with your 10-year-old for an hour about doing his homework. Look guiltily at the fruit bowl on the table as you rip into a bag of Doritos in frustration.

Day 6: Join your kids when they’re jumping rope in the driveway. Trip on the rope after 12 seconds and fall to the ground. Spend the rest of the night nursing your swollen ankle.

Day 7: Spend every spare moment running your kids to soccer practice, trumpet lessons, youth group, art class, chess club, and Boy Scout meetings. No time to go grocery shopping. Drink water to stay hydrated and nibble on stale crackers you found in your purse.

Day 8: Instead of making a full plate for yourself, just eat all the vegetables your kids didn’t touch at dinner.

Day 9: Look at yourself in a dimly lit mirror without your contacts in. You look pretty good, don’t you?

Day 10: Drive to Hobby Lobby to pick up supplies for your kid’s forgotten science fair project due tomorrow. Skip dinner. Spend the rest of the night helping him find and print images of the heart, lungs and other internal organs. Wonder why glue sticks really don’t work as you keep re-gluing pictures to the poster board.

Day 11: Take your kids to the park. Push them on the swings for a few minutes. Sit on the bench and revel in your upper body strength.

Day 12: Join a gym. Look over the group exercise schedule and excitedly plan out which classes you’ll go to. Show up, put your kids in the gym’s childcare and relax in the sauna for 30 minutes.

Day 13: Lunge down to retrieve Legos strewn all over the floor, making sure your knees are aligned over your ankles on the way down.

Day 14: Listen to your kids argue about whose turn it is to feed the cat. Feel drained. Pour yourself a glass of wine.

Day 15: Tend to a sick child all night, racking up a whopping three hours of sleep. Stumble through the next day in a fog. Mistake exhaustion for hunger pains and eat a pint of ice cream.

Day 16: Sign up to do a Color Run with your family. Begin training. Give up in defeat when you try to run around the block but can’t make it past the third driveway.

Day 17: Shoot hoops with your kids. Forget how much you suck at sports. Hit the rim with the basketball and try to duck as it ricochets back at your head. Wake up on the couch three hours later with an ice bag on your head, wondering what the hell happened.

Day 18: Carry a load of laundry upstairs. Feel winded on the way up. Lie down on your bed and take a nap.

Day 19: Wake up early today. Sneak quietly downstairs to do some yoga before anyone wakes up. Get in downward facing dog pose. Try to hold your balance as both your cat and your toddler dart out from behind the couch and encircle your legs.

Day 20: Chase your cat as he escapes through the front door that one of your kids left open. Run around the neighborhood obstacle course as you hunt for kitty, jumping over garbage cans, soccer balls, sprinkler heads and bags of mulch. Scoop up the cat (now cowering behind the electrical box), then rush home breathless and vomit in the flower bed.

Day 21: Trip on the light saber sticking out from under the couch. While you’re face down on the floor, plank for 30 seconds. Weigh yourself. Rejoice at the stress-induced 5 lb. weight loss of being a parent.

For more of my humor, go here.


Lisa Beach

Lisa Beach is a freelance writer, blogger, mother of two teenagers, and recovering stay-at-home mom/homeschooler who lived to write about it. Check out, Lisa’s humor blog about midlife, family, friends and all the baggage that goes with it.

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7 Responses to The 21-Day Parenting Weight Loss Plan

  1. February 25, 2016 at 1:50 am

    Forget our kids surviving us. Sometimes I think it’s a miracle we survive our kids.

  2. February 24, 2016 at 9:08 am


  3. February 23, 2016 at 7:10 pm

    I bet you can get Marie Osmond to jump off the NutriSystem boat and onto yours! I would like to add a gymnastic move that requires a forward tuck somersault while avoiding the dog who darted down the steps ahead of you whil you are carrying the laundry.

    • February 23, 2016 at 7:19 pm

      Donna, there’s probably an entirely separate weight loss plan for pet-owners: dogs dragging their owners by their leashes around the neighborhood, owners trying to catch the dog that escaped through the open backyard gate, etc. LOTS of aerobic activity with pets.

  4. February 23, 2016 at 3:20 pm

    HAHAHA…have so been there. But I have to tell you as an ’empty nester’ it doesn’t get much better:
    1. Take laundry basket upstairs, answer phone and forget why you’re upstairs. Go back downstairs without basket. Go back up to get dirty laundry. Stair climber.

    And so it goes…we should all be as svelte as Twiggy!

    • February 23, 2016 at 7:06 pm

      Oh, Cathy, you are so right! I’ve done the same thing myself, thanks to my aging memory.

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