Your dentist is lying to you

Why do you lie to me, Mrs. Dentist?

Even my credit card questions the huge amount I pay you, and still, you lie.

Visa: Wow, you sure that total is correct?

Me: Totally!

Your dental terms are all lies. They obfuscate. Well, here’s the truth.

Cavity: Contrary to popular belief, you don’t visit the dentist with a cavity. You go with tooth decay, which is bad, but we’re not talking about the decay of Western civilization already. It’s the dentist that gives you the cavity (a hollow place) using a Black and Decker power tool that drills a hole in you. Just one more place the border guards can search.

Crown: Is this an episode of Game of Thrones, where I get to wear a crown, compete with Peter Dinklage for hot women (I would win) and rule over my subjects in ever more cruel ways? Maybe even as cruel as you, Mrs. Dentist? I wish. But no, it’s just a fake tooth.

Root canal: Where’s the canal? A canal is in Venice, with honeymooners taking a romantic ride down an ancient water way sipping Grigio in a gondola. I guess in Venice it’s called a route canal. Dentists should call this procedure what it is: the root of all evil.

Gingivitis: Again, where’s the goddamn gin? I was expecting a mixed drink with a generous helping of gin, a sprinkling of ginger, and some powerful vitamins to help me avoid coitus interruptus. But gum disease? Maybe after the gin I’ll get a hooker who sticks her gum on a bra strap for later chewing, and I’ll get a disease, but what do my gums have to do with it?

Orthodontist: What this really means is you can save thousands of dollars for a nice vacation or thodontist can take it, all for a few paper clips and glue on your kid’s teeth.

Scaling: This describes weighing myself, or, cleaning a fish, not scraping my teeth with a tiny spear and making me bleed. All I can think of is Arnie in Predator, “If it bleeds, we can kill it.” I want my mommy.

Tell the truth, Mrs. Dentist. Or I’m going public.