The Flip Side of Flops

People who know me say, “Paul, you are soooo open-minded.” And it’s true. It used to be open 24/7 but as it gets older, I now close it on Friday afternoons and while drinking.

Even so, on certain topics my mind is as tightly closed as a clam pleading the fifth.

Flip flops, and the wearing of, is one of those topics.

Flip flops are not shoes. They are not informal wear. They are uninformed wear. The flip flop is to shoes as the fig leaf is to underwear. Unless you’re in a garden starting humanity, put some proper clothes on.

Let’s start with the word “flop”. Marketing genius, isn’t it?

Employee: I have a great idea. Thongs for your feet.

Boss: Brilliant. They’ll be a great success. Make sure the word “flop” is in the name.

I only wish they were a flop. They enjoy $2 billion in annual sales.

Research tells me the name comes from the sound they make. Flip flop? Is that a sound? To me they sound like I’m being stalked by a castanet player all day. Or every time my dad bought a belly of cow for the bbq, he would slap it, hungrily chanting, “nice to meat you.” These sounds do not scream EXCELLENT SHOES ARE BEING WORN.

After a long day of wearing flip flops, my toes are exhausted, curling in, arthritis-ridden, struggling to keep them on. Am I wearing the shoe or is it wearing me? Isn’t it the shoe’s responsibility to stay on? Excuse me, I’m pretty busy walking around here. We all have our jobs to do.

Flip flop fans are people who like to “dress down” in the summer. Maybe you should skip the clothes if you’re that lazy. Flip flops and sunscreen should do it. How about staying in bed. Please?

There are only three places flip flops should be worn, if ever: the beach, the beach, and the beach. I once saw a guy wearing flip flops downtown and I snickered at him. He flipped me the middle toe. How rude.

You’re just as guilty, sandals, but at least there’s a pricey resort named after you. Aren’t we lucky they didn’t do that for flip flops?

“Welcome to Flip Flops Resorts. Here’s your foam mattress. You bring the rest. Oh, and can you take this brown package home? Fits snugly around the waist. When you get to the airport look for a guy named Death Wrench.”

One of the great unpunished crimes of the century is wearing flip flops and socks. I don’t get it. We’re busy prosecuting illegal off-shore banking when hordes of people are freely roaming around committing sartorial homicide. Do you really want your foot looking like a sock puppet with a gigantic camel toe?

The only time I can image myself wearing flip flops is when I want to present an image that says, “Hi, I’m lazy, have no money and I surf all day.”

I get that there will always be people who wear these things, despite my pleas, but there are some people who should never be allowed to wear flip flops. The President, for example, because no one should start a nuclear war in flip flops. Put on some Bruno Magli’s, at least. (Hope you’re reading this, Mr. Putin. Put a shirt on.)

Here’s a fact that isn’t true: Albert Einstein, relaxing in his flip-flopped feet after a busy day at the patent office, came up with the most wonderful idea – E=MC2.

Nothing great will ever be achieved in flip flops.

I have a dream. A dream that some day all flip flops will be replaced with…a nice pair of bowling shoes? Anything but ff’s.