A group of armed white guys has occupied a federal building on the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Eastern Oregon. This might sound like a small thing, but any student of history knows that successful revolutions always start by taking over recreational areas thousands of miles from the national capitol.
The group, which has been dubbed Y’all-Queda on Twitter, has vowed to stay for years and even surrender their lives for the cause. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz have urged the militants to stand down, but Donald Trump is taking it a step further. He’s now calling for an end to immigration by White people until we can figure out just who these people are.
The story is spreading quickly. Linguists are even chiming in. Those who specialize in irony have noted that “Malheur” is a French word meaning “bad fortune.”
The FBI is playing it safe. They likely recognize that the area is not Palm Springs and temperatures at the refuge are not expected to exceed 35 degrees over the next ten days. Observers speculate that the FBI will respond by using the Donner Party Technique. Under this tactic the heat and water are shut off and shipments of food into the refuge are blocked. The FBI reasons that people can only share small boxes of gift shop animal crackers for so long until they give up. To further pressure the occupiers, the FBI is expected to set up huge speakers and blast that Tom Petty song “You don’t have to live like a refu-gee!!”
Focused on securing sufficient ammunition for a years-long siege, the militants neglected to bring along food provisions. So they’ve now posted Facebook requests for food and snacks. Experts think that people supporting the cause will start sending tubs of falafel and pitas stamped with quranic verses.
I personally think this is a ploy by the Chamber Of Commerce in the nearby town of Burns, Oregon (population 2,800). Hotels and restaurants there are hard to fill in the off-season winter months. The expected flood of reporters will need to lodge and eat there, unless they want to drive 130 miles west to Bend each day. And I don’t think this hotel in the nearby town of Vale is still open: