What to Plant on Naked Gardening Day | HumorOutcasts

What to Plant on Naked Gardening Day

April 30, 2016
As God made you, you’re dabbling with your dibblesticks, gardening in the buff on May 7th, Naked Gardening Day, but what do you plant?
Yes, we at Silliman on Sports, are often asked “Do I drop a bare root in my bare suit?” We say, of course, if you’re so inclined, plant that honeydew while the dew is on you… naked. Just be aware not to be rude while deadheading in the nude. Naked Gardening Day comes but once a year.
However, if you’re into it, don’t drag your nibbly bits into the rose bushes. Rock some Crocs, wear a floppy hat, shave your stragglies. Don’t give aphids a place to nest. And, while you are naked gardening, plant some sexy plants. Why not?

If you’re into Cacti, wear some gloves, have Bactine and styptic pencils nearby. Some cacti can be very sexy, like this booby plant:
Stay away from those nipples.

Other cacti can grow to be somewhat sexy. You may or may not want to grow this critter:

Yeah, I know. Too many of these things and your neighbors might get upset. Plus handling the bigger cactus can be dicey. So you might want to make your garden a little cuter and softer. Try some mushrooms. Pet down the peat moss. Here’s a cute little butt mushroom:

Your garden can’t have too many of these. And they are tasty little mushrooms. But (did you see what I did there) if you want to go even softer into sexy flowers, plant a clitoria. Yes, that’s a real flower.

No sexy garden is complete without a clitoria. But we shouldn’t limit our garden to cacti, butt mushrooms, and clitoria flowers. It wouldn’t be proper. A good mushroom garden has phallic mushrooms also, like this guy, a mushroom called the phallus impudicus. Not all your plants have to be beauties:

The trick is, if your garden is full of these things, be careful where you bend over on naked gardening day. You’ll thank me for that advice.
If you still want more color, there are other plants to achieve that and still be erotic. You can’t hurt yourself on an amaranth. Nice leaves and a beautiful substantial purple presence.

Invite your garden club over (not on naked gardening day) after a bunch of amaranths, clitorias and phallic mushrooms are sprouting, then watch them titter. They will want to get up close to touch, smell and hold them but then they’ll catch themselves. Also, don’t plant too many phallic mushrooms because their smell is not pleasing.

Were we not helpful?  Can visits to your garden inspire more amorous nights in your bedroom? If you spread your seeds carefully, if you harden off your plants properly, if you keep it moist with mulch, you can have a sexy garden. What we’re trying to say is if you plant well … you can be well planted.

Stan Silliman

Sports writer for 13 years, my Bleacher Report articles in USA Today, LA Times, Forbes, Dallas Morning News. Seven books, 6000 jokes, 860 columns written. Also very active on a website called Kwipster. I've writtens for comics and cartoonists. Samples of some of my cartoon/humor books can be seen at www.comedyempirepress.com I'm also a comedian with regular appearances in New York, Dallas, Austin, Oklahoma City and Las Vegas. If I ever get on cruise ships, I'll let you know.

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One Response to What to Plant on Naked Gardening Day

  1. May 2, 2016 at 5:46 am

    If I’d known gardening could be so sexy, I would have taken it up years ago!

    No, I probably still wouldn’t have.

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