Dracula 2017 – An Epistolary Novel | HumorOutcasts

Dracula 2017 – An Epistolary Novel

October 28, 2017
Yes, it will be my pleasure to poke you! 

An epistolary novel is a novel written as a series of documents such as letters, diary entries, and newspaper clippings.  Printed in 1897, Dracula by Bram Stoker is one of most well-known epistolary novels, compiled entirely of letters, diary entries, newspaper clippings, telegrams, doctor’s notes, ship’s logs, and the like.

But what if Dracula were written today?

Jonathan Harker’s Twitter

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
WOOT!  Off to Transylvania.  Dude named Dracula texted me he wants to move to England.  Sounds like a fun guy; loves the nightlife. Farewell, @Mina_HotChick!

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
On train thru Carpathian Mts.  Peasant women are not all that great looking here.  Prettiest one I’ve seen looks like actor Jonah Hill in a babushka!

 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Frightened old lady in hotel heard me talk of Dracula and put crucifix  around my neck!  WTF?   (I gave her a buck.) #DontTellRabbiMishkin

 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
On coach to Borgo Pass.  Odd; other passengers outdoing one another  pointing at me, clutching throats, & making gagging sounds!    Seems like a fun game!   Can’t wait to learn the rules!

 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Have arrived at crumbling old Castle Dracula.  Needs a bit of work.   Nothing that a coat of paint & a hydrogen bomb couldn’t  cure!  #WhataDump

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Much nicer inside, except for cobwebs thicker than nooses.  Oh, those are nooses!  Next time, try Trivago?

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Received a note that Dracula will meet me at dinner.  Or is that “meet me as dinner?”

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Starting to think visiting Dracula may turn out to be as much fun as attending a same-sex wedding with Mike Pence.
Dracula’s Twitter

I am @Fangsalot46.  I tweet you welcome, @HarkMan!  #SpidertotheFly

Woohoo, I luv Twitter!  I have over 17,000 followers. Of course, most of them follow me with torches, pitchforks, and stakes!  LOL!!!

How about giving me a retweet on that one, @HarkMan?  Didn’t you think it was funny?  Hah, I get more RTs than Kim Kardashian’s bare ass ever did!  #AskTheNearestZombie

WOOT! The Childen of the Night; What music they make!  No, not @ABBA, you idiot!   I’m not that evil!

Make yourself at home,@HarkMan!  Oh, you cut your finger?  What a night; I’m already scoring!


I never drink …. wine.  Just sayin’ .

I bid you good night, @HarkMan.  Sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite. That’s my job!  LMFAO!  #WannaNeck?
Jonathan Harker’s Facebook

Jonathan Harker

Dearest Mina: I must now communicate via Facebook because the Count loves Twitter almost as much as Trump, (although at least Dracula can spell).   But Dracula is a bizarre diseased creature who recoils at the sight of a crucifix, casts no reflection in a mirror, and roots for the Phillies! 😯What’s worse, he LOLs his own jokes and insists I give him RTs!  Oh, Mina, please comfort me by posting a picture of Pedals, our adorable kitten!


 Mina Murray’s Facebook

Mina Murray

Of course, dearest Jonathan! Here is our sweet Pedals, all dressed up like a vampire from last Halloween!

Jonathan Harker’s Facebook

Jonathan Harker
Mina, remind me when I get back we have to talk about our relationship!😨

Dracula’s  Facebook

So you are on Facebook too, my dear young sir?  Please friend me, then I will poke you.  Believe me, I will poke you!!!  (And Go, Phils!)👹


Jonathan Harker’s LinkedIn

 Jonathan Harker
Current Position: Solicitor (Living)

Next Position: Solicitor (Undead)

Mina, Turns out the count is an ardent Facebooker too!  So now I must communicate through LinkedIn. Nobody but nobody uses LinkedIn, unless they are trying to set a record for pointless endorsements!

Dracula’s LinkedIn

Previous Position: Sucking the Blood of Crusaders
Current Position: Sucking Your Blood

Good Evening,  Jonathan! I love LinkedIn too!  Note that I have already endorsed you for European Travel, Real Estate Development, and Super Deliciousness! I am afraid you are out of luck with social networks, unless you want to use JDate!

Jonathan Harker’s Twitter   

                  Jonathan Harker @HarkMan

@Mina_HotChick  Had a tete a tete w/ the Count last night and all is fine now. You will be a bite … I mean, sight … for sore eyes when I get home!   #WannaNeck?

No Emojis were harmed in the making of this post.

Perry Block

I am one bummed-out Baby Boomer desperately attempting to turn back the clock through parody, satire, and anything else you want. In my time I have been a puppet, a pirate, a pauper, and a king. I would have also been a pawn but I didn’t have the SATs for it, and my career as a poet was cut short when I recited “The Man from Nantucket” at a White House Dinner. I look forward to developing a relationship with the readers of Humor Outcasts, unhealthy as it probably will be.

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10 Responses to Dracula 2017 – An Epistolary Novel

  1. October 31, 2017 at 6:28 pm

    Happy Halloween, Perry! I loved this, but I’m feeling kinda left out–Dracula doesn’t follow me on Twitter. 🙁

    • October 31, 2017 at 7:05 pm

      Thanks, Maria. Don’t feel bad. Dracula (@Fangsalot46) does follow me on Twitter, and he tends to follow a little too closely. Happy Halloween!

  2. October 31, 2017 at 2:35 am

    Should I be afraid? Does Dracula go for 71-year-old opera singers turned writer?

    I would be happy to follow him, but I don’t have a pitchfork or a stake. I do have a crucifix, however. I can hold him back while someone else grabs him.

    • October 31, 2017 at 5:42 am

      I sorry, Kathy, the Count is Jewish. He only recoils at the sight of Larry David. Does Dracula go for a 71 year old? Well, he passed by this 67 year old because he thought my blood might be iron poor. And he’s 807! Happy Halloween.

  3. Nan Falkner
    October 30, 2017 at 10:41 pm

    Perry – I like your beard. I enjoy bantering with you!

  4. October 30, 2017 at 8:56 pm

    Thanks, Russell. Yes, Dracula loves the Phils as much as he’d love an evening munching on Mitch McConnell. (A double chin = Double his pleasure, Double his fun) Dracula actually spit out Trump, I understand. He has no heart, he didn’t have any blood. Happy Halloween!

  5. October 30, 2017 at 6:36 pm

    Well done, Perry. And a perfect post for the season. The only reason I can see he roots for the Phillies is they wear red. As poor as they play, they could consider black next season.

  6. October 30, 2017 at 11:04 am

    Thanks, Donna! #WannaNeck?

  7. October 30, 2017 at 7:58 am

    This made me laugh out loud! Bram would be proud. I heard he had a bit of a sense of humor

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