I’d Be Happy To Date You When Hell Freezes Over — One Single Librarian’s Collection Of Online Dating Profile Turnoffs | HumorOutcasts

I’d Be Happy To Date You When Hell Freezes Over — One Single Librarian’s Collection Of Online Dating Profile Turnoffs

October 20, 2017

Shirtless pics.

Headless pics.

Bathroom selfies

Gym selfies.

Anything camo or Trump-related.

Any photo of a dude with a fish or a dead deer.

Spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. (I can’t help it — I think less of men who use “it’s” when they mean “its.”)

Photos of a guy standing next to a truck or car or boat. Or even worse — a photo of just the car or truck or boat! (I don’t want to date your boat.)

Anything referencing genitalia, euphemistically or otherwise, mine or his. “Bigboy69.” “Pussylover.” “Sir Lickitalot.“ No. Just no.

Overly cute usernames. (Such as? Any username that includes “4U.”)

“Legally separated.“ (As far as I’m concerned, “legally separated” just means “I’m not really single but I want to act as if I am.”)

Cliches. “Likes to take long walks on a sunset beach.” I live in suburban Philadelphia. There are no beaches here.

Anyone whose hobbies are “huntin’ fishin’ and 4-wheelin.” (a.k.a. “the country boy trifecta.”)

Weird facial hair. (Including, but not limited to, mutton chop sideburns, mammoth lumberjack beards and the dreaded curlicue moustache.)

Photos that include an ex-wife or girlfriend. (Especially if her face has been scribbled out. If you do that, you don‘t need a girlfriend. You need a therapist.)

And the absolute worst? Guys in their 60s who will only date women in their 20s and 30s.

If you’re a woman who is online dating, feel free to add to this list in the comments section. If you’re a man who is online dating, feel free to edit your profile accordingly. (And if you’re an intelligent, funny single man in his 60s who would never dream of including any of these things in his own online dating profile? Get in touch.)




Roz Warren

Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from The New York Times to The Funny Times, is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider's Tales of Library Life, both of which you should buy immediately.

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11 Responses to I’d Be Happy To Date You When Hell Freezes Over — One Single Librarian’s Collection Of Online Dating Profile Turnoffs

  1. October 21, 2017 at 5:26 pm

    Guys in their 60’s and girls in their 20’s
    Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
    Brown paper packages tied up with strings
    These are a few of my favorite things!

  2. October 21, 2017 at 12:13 am

    Unsolicited naked pictures would be a big turnoff for me. I will never solicit a naked picture from anyone, anyway!

  3. Amy
    October 20, 2017 at 3:03 pm

    Oh and “I’m [insert height here] in case it matters”.

  4. Amy
    October 20, 2017 at 3:01 pm

    You simply must add:
    – “not into drama”
    – “my kids come first”
    – code things to weed out the fat chicks

  5. Lisa
    October 20, 2017 at 9:21 am

    When I was I my 20s, I organized a singles event for 20s-30s. I got a call from a 60 year old who wanted to come because he’s looking for a woman in her 20s-30s. I shut that down.

  6. Barbara Flynn
    October 20, 2017 at 9:19 am

    After one guy tried to enchant me with his words, and I said that I didn’t think we would work out, but wished him well, he dropped this winner…”I thought you were intelligent enough to see a good thing in front of you.”

    I assured him that I was, indeed, intelligent ENOUGH to know what a good thing was when it was in front of me. And once again, said good bye.

  7. October 20, 2017 at 9:09 am

    Damn those 60+ men who think women in their 20s want to date them. Narcissism or delusion? LOL

    • October 21, 2017 at 12:09 am

      I think women are smarter than men. I’m 71 years old and I KNOW that no young guy in his 20s or 30s wants to date me!

      Unfortunately, diminishing testosterone makes eligible men in their late 60s and early 70s chase after young female whippersnappers to try to get the testosterone back. That leaves women like me looking for knitting circles to keep from being bored. 😉

  8. October 20, 2017 at 7:44 am

    According to my mother-in-law, she grew up on a farm in Philadelphia on the beach at the Jersey Shore. She tends to run things together like that, but maybe there’s a secret beach they haven’t told you about.

    • October 20, 2017 at 8:50 am

      That wouldn’t surprise me.

      • October 21, 2017 at 12:04 am

        Well, you can always set up one of those tall, round swimming pools in your backyard, walk around it and call it a beach, right?

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